


Songfics

by mitigates



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cheating, Depression, Domestic Violence, Drug Use, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Time Skips, drug overdose
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:22:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,724
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mitigates/pseuds/mitigates
Summary: This is an ongoing piece of different songfics (stories written around a song). I love writing these. There are different themes, characters, and situations in each story, consider them all completely separate. We have Oikawa being cheated on, Hinata and Oikawa feeling suicidal, Daichi as a depressed cop, Suga in an abusive relationship, Bokuto's first time, Akaashi dealing with a drug addiction. (so far).
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Azumane Asahi/Nishinoya Yuu, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Oikawa Tooru/Sugawara Koushi, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 9
Kudos: 46





	1. Take a Bow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oikawa realizing everything was a lie and his best friend being there to confirm that.

_Oh, how about a round of applause?_

_Yeah, a standing ovation_

He didn’t know what he was feeling. Regret? No. Anger? Possibly. Outright disgust? Mostly. He set his phone down and had half a mind to turn it off. His name was trending, her name was trending and his best friend's name was trending.

* * *

Oikawa had become close with Hinata after they ran into each other in South America while Oikawa was playing for the Argentine Volleyball Federation. Hinata was training with some locals on the beach and Oikawa couldn’t help but challenge him. It turned into the two of them practicing together. Hinata had this way about him that made Oikawa want to set for him. Their chemistry was unreal, they noticed it the first time Hinata scored off of one of his sets. They became closer once Oikawa moved back to Japan, hanging out frequently.

Once they were both back in Japan, Hinata fell into old habits with friends he kept around after graduating high school. One of them was a tiny blonde girl named Hitoka Yachi. The first time Hinata introduced her to Oikawa, he knew his days as a matchmaker were in full bloom. Hinata always wondered why Oikawa was some elusive bachelor, the media loved to portray him as a playboy, but in their years of friendship, he hadn’t seen him look at anybody else until he met Yachi. Oikawa turned into a blubbering mess around her, his false sense of self-confidence fading immediately whenever she was in his vicinity. They started dating the next day, the three of them hanging out frequently.

Oikawa’s phone continued buzzing across the table in front of him. He sneered at it in hopes that it would vibrate all the way off of the table. 

He finally turned it over and saw messages from several of his friends.

Kindaichi asked Oikawa to call him as soon as possible.

Kageyama insisted he come over and talk. Fat chance.

He scrolled through the messages, taking deep breaths until he saw one from Hinata and three from Yachi.

Oikawa hadn’t planned on his day going as bad as it was when he woke up that morning. He was all smiles, the beam on his face fading slightly when he realized Yachi wasn’t home. He shrugged it off as her having an early meeting, she had been having them a lot lately. He had plans for the day, it was their anniversary and he wanted to make her breakfast in bed as he’d done on their last 3 anniversaries, but he decided that year was going to be something different. Something special. He had the entire day planned, down to the diamond engagement ring that was at the bottom of his sock drawer. That day was going to be the day.

At least he thought it was, anyway.

The first notification that something was wrong came when she didn’t answer her phone. She always answered her phone. If she was working, eating, jogging, in the shower, she always answered her phone. He didn’t leave her a message, he just shot off a quick text.

He ignored the sinking feeling in the bottom of his stomach and went about his day. When she hadn’t responded by noon, he had half a mind to call hospitals in the area as his worry got the best of him.

He called Hinata instead. Hinata also didn’t answer which made everything more uncomfortable. He texted Hinata and noticed Yachi had read his message, but still hadn’t responded. He texted her again and leaned against the kitchen counter as he waited for her to respond.

A thought popped in his head and he laughed at himself and his worry, it was their _anniversary_! She was probably out planning something and he didn’t doubt that Hinata would have offered to help. It was probably something big. She had been so busy with work lately that they really needed the day together. 

He set his phone down and ate a simple breakfast. He spent some time cleaning the house. It wasn’t until it was late in the evening that he realized something really was wrong.

That was when his phone started blowing up. The messages and notifications were coming in too fast for him to keep up. He glared at his phone and opened the article that was sent to him by his team manager with a text attached that said “what the fuck is going on?”

The article had a capitalized title reading “JAPAN’S BELOVED STAR SETTER BETRAYED? WE HAVE THE PICTURES TO PROVE IT!”

He scrolled down and wondered if maybe he was traded to another team without anybody telling him, something absurdly scandalous like that, but it was nothing like that.

He sat in the kitchen that had been turned into their kitchen when Yachi chose the colors that they repainted the walls with. She chose the dorky magnets on the fridge that held pictures of the two of them all over the world from when he was traveling for volleyball tournaments. She picked out the little lavender-colored curtains that matched the potholders and silicone utensil set that sat on the counter. He sat in the kitchen, leaning against a counter that they christened the first night they moved in, and stared at the photos in front of him.

They weren’t just a light innocent kiss that maybe happened once. They weren’t just Kristen Stewart making out with a direction on the balcony. There were multiple photos, from multiple angles, blurred where it needed to be. He imagined that he would be able to find the unblurred photos online.

* * *

Yachi was smiling and Hinata was smiling and Oikawa was crying.

* * *

A phone call interrupted his self-hate and it was the only one he was going to answer.

He chirped a happier than ever greeting into the phone. “Iwa-chaaaaaan!” He sang the words. “Iwa-chan, you never call me during the day?”

His oldest friend Iwaizumi sighed but didn’t respond.

Oikawa said something cheery again, earning another soft sigh.

“Iwa, why are you calling?”

“Are you okay?”

His friend’s quiet and concerned voice fractured the supposedly impenetrable wall that Oikawa was holding up. Oikawa tried to respond, but it came out as a strangled sob.

“I’ll be right over.”

Another text from Yachi came in, apologizing or some bullshit that he didn’t bother reading. He stood near the wide-open window in his living room and wanted to put a rock through it. He didn’t want a house with a window like this, he liked his privacy.

He looked up and spotted Yachi’s car sitting outside. He squinted and realized she was staring back at him. He scoffed and shook his head.

“You’re fucking kidding me…”

_You look so dumb right now, standing outside my house,_

_Trying to apologize, you’re so ugly when you cry._

_Please. Just cut it out._

His phone rang and he looked down at it. Hinata was calling him. There was no way that was just a coincidence. 

_Don’t tell me you’re sorry ‘cause you’re not_ _  
__Baby, when I know you’re only sorry you got caught_

He wanted to scream. He wanted to screech at them, at himself. He was going through the timeline of the past scattered years in his mind, wondering at what point he lost her. At what point did they ignite and why? Most of it revolved around why?

_But you put on quite a show, really had me going_

Those pictures weren’t even from the same instance, someone was photographing them together and keeping them until what...the time was right? Oikawa and Hinata carried their team to a silver medal a month ago and now he was ready to crumble into the floor.

_But now it’s time to go, curtain’s finally closing_

_That was quite a show, very entertaining_

_But it’s over now, go on and take a bow_

* * *

Iwaizumi showed up right as Oikawa was gripping the doorknob to go outside. Iwa stopped on the sidewalk and turned his head towards Yachi’s car. He stalked to the window, said something short and she drove away.

Oikawa felt his chest getting heavier. It felt like hours until Iwa finally reached the door. He stared at his softer haired friend through the screendoor. Iwa finally opened it.

Oikawa opened his mouth to crack a joke about how fast he got there, but nothing came out. Instead, his lips stayed parted and his chin started to shake. Iwa tilted his head and nodded just slightly. Oikawa collapsed against him, the sobs he was striving so hard to fight taking him over until his entire body was shaking in his friend’s arms. 

“Stupidkawa…” Iwaizumi whispered against Oikawa’s hair. It was always awkward holding his overly emotional friend like this, the few inches of height between them annoyed Iwa any other time, but he appreciated the way Oikawa’s shaking slender arms fit around his body. “Come sit.”

_Don’t tell me you’re sorry ‘cause you’re not_

_Baby, when I know you’re only sorry you got caught_

* * *

Iwaizumi stayed with Oikawa that night and let him cry to his heart’s content. Oikawa was normally so strong, Iwa didn’t realize how serious it was with Yachi. He knew they had been together for years, but until he went to find Oikawa clothes to change into and ended up in his sock drawer, he didn’t know how serious it was with her. He imagined it was even worse knowing that Hinata was involved. Iwa cursed the day that they met in Brazil. Oikawa spammed Iwa with selfies of the two of them together on the beach that he rolled his eyes at. It was worse because Iwa and Oikawa had drifted over the last year. They still spoke once a week or so, but it was mostly catching up. Iwa always made sure to watch any of Oikawa’s games when they were broadcasted. Nobody cheered as loud as he did when Oikawa won that medal. Nobody.

* * *

Iwa woke up before Oikawa a few mornings later. They hadn’t left the house once. Iwa had brought his work laptop in anticipation of consoling Oikawa so he was able to work while he was there. He did, however, have to keep accidentally forgetting to charge Oikawa’s phone to avoid the onslaught of messages he was getting. Oikawa didn’t need to read any of that shit.

Oikawa was still sleeping when there was a soft knock at his door. Iwa looked over from his spot on the couch and got up to answer it.

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Iwa- I-I- what are you doing here?” Yachi stuttered and took a step back.

“I’m helping my best friend through the most significant heartbreak of his life. What are you doing here?” Iwa deadpanned, arms crossed in the middle of the doorway as he blocked her path.

“I just want to talk to him. I need to-”

Iwa shook his head and made himself taller as if it was needed against the 5-foot girl in front of him. Iwa wasn’t the most supportive when Oikawa and Yachi started dating. Mostly because he carried a torch for the setter he’s known since he was a boy and seeing him with anybody else was always difficult. He couldn’t tell Oikawa how he felt, not after all those years. “No.”

“What do you mean no?” Yachi had the audacity to look defensive.

Iwa raised an eyebrow at her. “Not today. Not yet. When he wants to talk, he will go to you. You don’t get to have control over this, not anymore. I’ll make arrangements to get him out of this house so you can gather your things.”

“Wait- please- wait. I love him, I need-”

“Don’t you dare, Hitoka, don’t you dare.” Iwa glowered down at her, his hands shaking as he clenched his fists. 

“I do! I love him! I love him so much- it was an accident. It didn’t mean anything to either of us! It was a mistake!” Yachi was screaming and crying.

The only thing that worried Iwa was that Oikawa would hear her. “BE QUIET!” He pushed himself out of the doorway and pulled the door shut. “You do not get to stand out here-”

“OIKAWA! OIKAWA PLEASE-!” Yachi tried to move past him.

“You are not doing this to him! You have done enough. He was unbreakable, do you know that? He was absolutely unbreakable and you BROKE him, Hitoka. You broke him without a care in the world about how he would end up after. You cannot possibly love people that you treat like that-”

“What do you know? What do you know about our relationship-” Yachi was cut off immediately, her brown eyes wide with rage.

“YOU DO NOT!” He said louder than he wanted to.

_And the award for the “Best Liar” goes to you_

_For making me believe that you could be faithful to me_

_Let’s hear your speech, oh_

“You really deserve a round of applause for this, honestly. How long have you been fucking around with Shoyou? Was he the only one?” Iwa scoffed at her reddening face. “At least you have the means to look ashamed, as you should.” He jabbed his finger toward her car. “Leave. Leave now.”

_How ‘bout a round of applause? A standing ovation._

_But you put on quite a show, really had me going._

_Now it’s time to go, curtain’s finally closing._

_That was quite a show, very entertaining-_

“Leave. I will not tell him you were here. When he-IF he wants to speak with you ever again, God help him if he does, it will be on his terms.” Iwaizumi turned back toward Oikawa’s door. “I love him. I love him and you couldn’t possibly know what that means. He isn’t the kind of person you do this to by accident. He’s the kind of person you keep. Forever.”

_But it’s over now. Go on and take a bow, but it’s over now_

Iwa took a breath and ignored the speechless girl behind him. He stepped back into Oikawa’s living room and locked the door behind him. He rubbed his face vigorously and wondered why the fuck he just told Yachi that.

He opened his eyes and saw Oikawa standing feet apart from him. He couldn’t read the emotions on the setter’s face. His wide coffee-stained eyes looked to be filled with worry, confusion, and maybe a little excitement? 

“Kawa-”

“What did you- why did- why did you say that?” Oikawa asked, quieter than he’s ever been before.

Iwa sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. “I was just telling her what needed to be said.”

“You-” Oikawa stook a step towards Iwa. “You said- you told her-” He took another step toward that friend that he had given up on long ago as reciprocating the feelings that he thought he made very obvious.

Iwa was wrong, Yachi wasn’t the most significant heartbreak of his life. Knowing that Iwa-chan would never return his affections was. Yachi’s betrayal hurt in more ways than he could vocalize, but he knew that he would at least still have Iwa. Iwaizumi had been there through everything, through everyone. He’d been there when he got offers to go pro after high school, he’d been there to drop him off at the airport to fly to Brazil, he’d been there in Brazil for his first official match, he’d been there when he re-injured his knee and his entire career was on the line. Iwa stayed in Brazil for nearly 3 weeks to help Oikawa go through physical therapy in order to get back on the court. He was always there and Oikawa was so angry at himself for not recognizing it sooner.


	2. 90 Days

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kuroo and Tsukishima take a drive.

_We’re driving in a black car and it’s blacked out and we’re spinnin’_

_We’re listening to “Fast Car” and you’re driving fast and you’re singing_

“Slow down, Kuroo,” Tsukishima grumbled as he shifted in his seat. 

“I’m not even going that fast, babe,” Kuroo responded, taking his eye off the road for a moment to eye his blonde boyfriend. 

Tsukishima grumbled again and pressed his cheek against the cold window. The rain was coming down harder and Kuroo was definitely driving too fast, but none of that was the problem. Except everything was the problem. Everything was wrong. 

Tsukishima looked at Kuroo out of the corner of his eye, his eyes went out of focus outside the scope of his glasses. He gazed back out the window. 

Things had been wrong between them for a while, but neither of them was willing to admit it. Kuroo was doing stupid shit like driving them outside of the city in the middle of the night to a surprise rendezvous at a hotel they stayed at for the first time so many years ago.

They were drifting apart and they were drifting apart fast.

They played for different volleyball teams. Tsukishima ended up going with the Sendai Frogs where his best friend Yamaguchi was a manager. Kuroo went on to work with his own best friend, Kenma, to help oversee his Bouncing Ball Corp company. Tsukishima knew things were getting bad before them when he realized that he didn’t actually have any idea what Kuroo did for work. He knew he worked with Kenma, maybe for Kenma? However, he didn’t know what Kuroo did on a day to day basis. They’d been together for years, too many to count but really it was only 3.

_Don’t wanna tell you what I’m feeling, don’t want this night to hit a ceiling_

He sighed and watched as a puff of fog covered the window from his hot breath.

He needed to tell him.

Preferably befire they got to the “love shack” as Kuroo kept calling it.

“Tsukki? Did you hear me?” Kuroo nudged Tsukishima’s elbow.

Tsukishima glared at him. “How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that?”

“At least one more time, Tsukki-boo.” Kuroo turned the wheel as he exited the freeway. “Did you hear what I said?”

“No. I wasn’t listening.”

Kuroo threw him a glare. “I _said_ did you want to pick up food or order something in?”

“It doesn’t matter, Kuroo.” Tsukishima resumed staring out the window and wished he would have made up a better excuse to get out of this weekend getaway.

"It matters to me since I’m driving, would you prefer-”

“It really doesn’t matter!” Tsukishima snapped. 

Kuroo sighed and stopped doing anything other than driving towards their destination.

 _Dammit_ . Tsukishima thought to himself. _Dammit_ _._

_I’m wearing dirty white shoes, a white t-shirt, and your jacket_

“Sorry, Kuroo.” Tsukishima forced a smile that he tried his best to seem genuine. “We can order in, whatever you want. Pizza sounds good.”

Kuroo smiled back, little did Tsukishima know he was also forcing the sincerity behind the flash of teeth. “Perfect.”

They tried and failed to make small talk as they drove the rest of the way towards the hotel.

Kuroo cracked his usual dad jokes, Tsukishima cracked his jokes that were the slightest bit self-deprecating. They laughed, but they didn’t mean it. Eventually, Tsukishima stared into the darkness in the distance, and Kuroo stared at the raindrops hitting the road in front of him. 

_I’m laughing, but I’m lying. When you’re smiling, I’m the saddest_

_I hide my face so you don’t see it, I think out loud hope you don’t hear it_

Tsukishima sat on the edge of the bed and watched Kuroo pace. He ordered pizza. It got there an hour later, they were busy on a Friday night. Neither man had spoken a word to the other after they got out of the car. It was sickeningly silent.

They would catch each other’s eyes and look away.

_It’s going on 18 months now and it’s fucked up, but I’m falling_

_I feel it every day now but I’m stallin’, but I’m stallin’_

“Tetsuro-”

“Kei-”

They caught each other’s gaze again. They rarely used their first names. They hadn’t introduced themselves that way so it just didn’t happen. They were Kuroo and some deviation of Tsukishima. Kuroo would choose the variation based on the kind of mood that Tsukishima appeared to be in, the more annoyed he was then the more annoying the nickname was. Tsukki was the beginning and it branched off from there: Tsukki-dude, Tsukki-boo, Tsukki-babe. TsukkiTsukki was the absolute worst of them all and was saved for special occasions when Tsukishima was being an exceptionally huge dick.

Using their first names meant that they were actually about to have a conversation, one that they probably should have had years ago.

They had called each other by their first names for the initial time while they were in bed together. Tsukishima’s back hit the sheets, Kuroo hovered above him. The only barrier separating them was sweat and stillness, but back then it was a good sense of stillness. It was comfortable.

They had called each other by their first names again when Kuroo dropped Tsukishima off at the airport for his 6-week tournament. Kuroo tried to smile and laugh and make fun of Tsukishima for looking sadder than usual, but with they got to the gate his entire demeanor changed.

“Tetsuro-” Tsukishima turned and ran his thumb across the darker haired man’s jaw. “You don’t have to be strong all the time, you know? 6 weeks is a long time.”

Kuroo shrugged and tried to smile, but failed. “I know. We will be alright.”

“You’re damn right we will. I’ll meet you right here exactly 6 weeks from now.”

“I mean, we will be at the other gate, but yeah I see your point.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes and sighed. “You’re an idiot-”

Kuroo laughed, boisterously and not the scantiest bit graciously, and enveloped his arms around Tsukishima. “Kei- I’m going to miss you.” His voice was hardly above a whisper.

“I’ll miss you too, Tetsuro.”

The memory faded and they continued gawking at each other, the quiet began to become overwhelming.

_I’m here, but I’m in pieces and I don’t know how to fix this_

_And I don’t know how to fix this, no_

What they used to have that connected them had decayed so severely that Kuroo couldn’t remember the last time they even touched each other. He could scarcely remember the last time they kissed, it was probably a few days ago. He hadn’t told Tsukki that he loved him in an embarrassingly long time. It wasn’t that he didn’t love him anymore...or perhaps it was. Maybe the love that was once such a powerful spark fizzled into something more modest.

Everything was so bright when they were started dating. Time extinguished them and they let it happen, knowingly. 

_If I’m just somebody that you’re gonna leave and you don’t feel something when you look at me,_

_You’re holding my heart, mm, whatcha say? Just let me down slowly, I’ll be okay_

“You go ahead,” Kuroo said as he faced the wall and pulled out the worn-down wooden chair from its place under the desk.

“No- I really shouldn’t-” One look at Kuroo and Tsukishima knew he wasn’t going to talk first. He was stubborn as fuck. He pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing his glasses up just slightly. 

Kuroo was normally entranced by any sense of frustration that radiated from his boyfriend, but that time it felt different.

_If you’re just some habit that I gotta break, I can clear my system in 90 days_

_You’re holdin’ m heart, mm, whatcha say? Just let me down slowly._

“Just say it-” Kuroo muttered as he squeezed his eyes shut.

The first time Tsukishima had to travel for a tournament, he was to be gone for 6 weeks. It was going to be the longest that they were going to be apart, but it was so early in their relationship that it didn’t affect them as much as it would anybody else. Their relationship started with distance as their friendship blossomed when they were still in high school. Once Kuroo moved to be closer to Tsukishima as their relationship started, things were fine.

_I get up, turn the lights out and it’s four o’clock in the morning_

The second time that they were apart was when Kuroo traveled for work. That was halfway through their relationship since the Frogs weren’t traveling for as long. Kenma had Kuroo set up to take point on a project in California and Kuroo jumped at the chance, not thinking of anything other than the massive career opportunity that it was. 

He thought Tsukishima would be happy for him, but the distance made him bitter. Kuroo ended up volunteering more often than not for travel opportunities. When he was gone, they would text constantly, fall asleep on Skype together, and talk on the phone during their lunch breaks. When they were home together, it was more distance than when they were thousands of miles apart. 

_I close my eyes, I can’t sleep, a hotel room in New York_

_I feel the space that’s in between us, convince myself that this is real love_

“I-I don’t know-” Tsukishima sighed and his face fell into his hands. There were so few times in his life that he was lost for words, he could count them on one hand. He had been thinking about what to say to Kuroo for weeks, he thought about it every single damn day. He thought it was going to be easy, it was going to be mutual. But now, sitting there looking at the man he loved, he found it hard to say anything.

_‘Cause you made this shit so easy and I told you my secret_

_So I don’t know why I’m tongue-tied at the wrong time when I need this_

_I’m here, but I’m in pieces and I don’t know how to fix this_

_And I don’t know how to fix this, no_

Kuroo sat back and watched Tsukishima struggle to speak. He shook his head slowly because he too didn’t know what to say. What was there to say? They were letting it fall apart, they had been letting it fall apart. They both knew that. They both knew how hard it had been getting and neither of them seemed to want to be bothered by trying to fix it.

Maybe if he didn’t take the job in the first place, maybe then it would have been- No, that wouldn’t have helped. Tsukishima probably would have ended up traveling more with his team. There were even talks that the team was going to be transferred to another city and either Tsukishima would commute for practice or they would move. Kuroo couldn’t move because of his job. Maybe that should have happened, things would have ended sooner and they wouldn’t have dragged it out.

_If I’m just somebody that you’re gonna leave, and you don’t feel something when you look at me_

_You’re holdin’ my heart, mm, whatcha say? Just let me down slowly, I’ll be okay_

“You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?” Tsukishima studied Kuroo then, anguish and longing etched into his core. Kuroo’s expression rivaled his.

_If you’re just some habit that I gotta break, I can clear my system in 90 days._

_You’re holdin’ my heart, mm, whatcha say? Just let me down slowly._

Kuroo only nodded, blinking away the wetness that pooled beneath his eyelashes.

_We’re driving in your fast car, your fast car_

“Yes.”

_We’re driving in your fast car, your fast car_

“You do?” Tsukishima felt the salty tear hit the corner of his mouth.

_We’re driving in your fast car, your fast car_

Kuroo closed his eyes. “I do.”

_We’re driving all night._


	3. 1-800-273-8255

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hinata and Oikawa post-injury, injuries that ruined their careers.

_ I’ve been on the low, I been taking my time _

_ I feel like I’m out of my mind. _

_ It feel like my life ain’t mine (who can relate?) _

Hinata and Oikawa are two very different variations of the same side of a piece of dice. They’re both like the 6. It has the most grooves, the most impressions, the most changes to it, but it is still only one side.

There are so many other pieces of dice in the world that if their side was removed, it could easily be changed out for a brand spanking new side. Neither of them realized that until it was too late. 

Oikawa realized it when he dove for a ball that he was the closest to, a ball the would determine who was going to win the match. They were up by 2 points and it was about to be over. It came down to that last volley. It came down to the opposing team spiking the ball impossibly hard straight at Oikawa, he barely had time to react.

But he did.

He had a perfect receive after a quick lunge to his left. He ignored the pop he felt in his knee and watched as his team made the play and scored the final point.

They had won.

His team was jumping in celebration and he was crying. He never let his emotions get to him in public, not in the middle of the court especially. He sat in stunned silence, tears streaming down his face. It took him another two minutes to realize that the rest of the court was silent. They were all looking at him. He tried to force his usual blindingly white smile, but he couldn’t. The coach was at his side in seconds and he realized he still hadn’t gotten off of the floor after that last dig. 

_ I don’t wanna be alive, I don’t wanna be alive _

_ I just wanna die today, I just wanna die _

_ And let me tell you why _

“Don’t move, Oikawa.” 

Oikawa blinked up at his coach, confused as all hell. Why shouldn’t he move? Better yet, why  _ couldn’t  _ he move? He looked down at his leg and squinted at his knee. It was already a dark purplish color, he thought he could see something ivory-colored jutting out, but that wasn’t possible. He didn’t have any more time to think about it as he lost consciousness.

_ All this other shit I’m talking about, they think they know it _

_ I’ve been praying for somebody to save me, no one’s heroic _

_ And my life don’t even matter, I know it, I know it _

_ I know I’m hurting deep down, but can’t show it _

Hinata realized the same thing as Oikawa during the final match of his own tournament. His team was headed to the finals, one more point and they were going.

Atsumu called his name as the ball lifted away from his fingers. Hinata sprinted to the net for the spike and hit it so perfectly. Hinata saw it, everything he had been looking for, he saw the top of the summit as he felt the sting of the perfect hit on the palm of his hand.

He saw the striped ball slam into the ground with the most satisfying smack, winning them the game. He saw blackness after as hit legs hit the ground at an awkward slant. His lower leg was bent as a funny angle. 

_ I never had a place to call my own, I never had a home, ain’t nobody calling my phone _

_ Where you been? Where you at? What’s on your mind? _

_ They say every life precious but nobody care about mine _

Months passed for both of them. Months of pain, doctor’s appointments, and inconsolable crying. They both sat in the office of the best orthopedic surgeon in the country with emotionless expressions as they were told their volleyball careers were over. Oikawa was going more than likely going to walk with a slight limp for the rest of his life. Hinata was going to have to look down at the scars from repeated unsuccessful surgeries that spread from his foot up towards his shin.

They saw each other in passing at the same office, but they didn’t notice each other once. They didn’t notice each other until one fateful night, one long year later.

_ I’ve been on the low, I been taking my time _

Hinata stared up at the stars and was so happy that the night was so beautiful. He clutched the bottle between his legs and smiled sleepily. He wasn’t even tired, the cold and the bitter alcohol just made him sleepier than he would be on a normal night. 

There mundane sounds of the rare traffic passing by didn’t phase him in the slightest, he could barely hear over the roar of his own thoughts.

Oikawa parked his car down the street. He figured he would get the last few minutes of enjoyment walking in the crisp air underneath a beautiful night sky. He reached his destination, a bridge overlooking the water. It was high enough that he would succeed. 

He adjusted his bag on his shoulder and swung one long leg over the side. He hit something soft and heard a yelp.

“What the fuck-” Oikawa whispered as he swung his uninjured leg over. He spied his bright orange hair first. Seconds later, curious light brown eyes peered back at it. “Shoyo?” Oikawa glanced down at the small orange-haired creature in front of him and realized that it was Shoyo Hinata, but at the same time, it wasn’t. 

_ I feel like I’m out of my mind. _

Hinata was the sun, he was the human version of the center of the Solar System. You couldn’t help but be blinded by his brightness. The person sitting on the edge of the outside of the bridge staring up at Oikawa was not the sun. He was a fragment of something that burned up after getting too close to the sun. His eyes were dull, having long lost his signature shine. His hair didn’t even have that glowing orange recognizable curl. Whatever he had inside of him before had withered. Looking at him showed clear evidence of that.

_ It feel like my life ain’t mine _

“Oikawa.” Hinata nodded toward the man towering over him. He glanced at his injured leg. “Need a hand? My hands work just fine.”

“That’s the only part of me that works without fail as well.” Oikawa tried to smile but it probably looked like something absolutely insane.

He sat next to Hinata and glanced at the bottle between his legs. “You’re almost out.”

Hinata looked down. “Guess I am.”

“Did you drink the whole bottle?”

“Nah, there wasn’t that much left. I took it from one of the guys. Not old enough to buy my own, ya know?” Hinata tried to smile back and his attempt was a lot more flattering.

Oikawa nodded and remembered that Hinata was a few years younger than him, not even past the drinking age, and there he was...seemingly having the same ideas as Oikawa. “What are you doing up here?” He pulled his own bottle out of his backpack.

Hinata watched with a blank expression as Oikawa twisted the cap off and let it fall into the water below them. He didn’t speak for a while until he finally returned the question. “What are  _ you  _ doing up here?”

Oikawa let out a soft breath and tilted his head back as he brought the bottle to his lips. He took in the flawless scene happening above their heads, the marriage of night and stars were an incredible experience. “I’m-” He sighed. “I’m just taking a moment.”

“Me too.” Hinata pushed the bottle off of the concrete he was sitting on and followed it until it drowned in the raging waters below.

“That’s littering.”

Hinata laughed softly. “You started it.”

Oikawa took more long gulps then offered his bottle to his companion. “Want some?”

Hinata nodded and winced as it burned his throat. “Gross.”

“Yeah, it’s awful.” Oikawa took the bottle back.

A cursory glance at each other showed a mutual understanding of why they were there. It was just the most astonishing coincidence in the world that they were there at the same spot at the same time. 

_ I want you to be alive, I want you to be alive _

_ You don’t gotta die today, you don’t gotta die _

_ I want you to be alive, I want you to be alive _

_ You don’t gotta die, now lemme tell you why _

“How’s the knee?” Hinata asked as he reached for his bag.

Oikawa looked down at the useless hunk of a limb that he had stopped acknowledging as being part of him. “It’s still there, purposeless as fuck.” He nudged Hinata’s foot with his own. “How’s yours?”

“About the same.” Hinata looked down at his own leg, feeling nothing towards it or anything else at that point. He kicked his shoes off and watched them disappear into the chaos.

Oikawa looked down at his own shoes and did the same. He let out a short laugh, the first one he’d expelled from his mouth in months. “Anybody know you’re out here?”

“No. I left my phone at home.” Hinata responded softly. He looked at Oikawa, the question in his eyes.

“I did as well.” He didn’t care to admit that he had turned his phone off days ago and nobody had come to visit since. Post-injury Oikawa was not somebody that anybody he had ever met wanted to be around. He wasn’t just mean, he was cruel. He was cruel to people that he knew didn’t deserve it, he was cruel when he didn’t need to be. He isolated himself on purpose.

Hinata had the opposite issue. As badly as he tried to isolate himself, the constant outpouring of support wouldn’t stop. He might as well have been in a mental hospital with the way he was being watched. He woke up a few months ago and one of his teammates was asleep on his floor. He couldn’t handle it. He decided the best thing to do for his own sanity was just stop talking to people. He was still living with his teammates despite the doctor’s diagnosis that he would never play volleyball again. Seeing them in their uniforms made him feel physically ill and he was tired of putting on a bright face and watching their games. He would spend every single set staring at something in the background, not looking at the court once. He was tired of it all. It hurt to think about where he would be had he just thought for longer than the millisecond he usually took and adjusted his stance when he jumped. He had no interest in spending another night thinking about the ‘what if’. 

_ It’s the very first breath when your head’s been drowning underwater _

Oikawa leaned against the cold concrete behind him and stared at the stars. He took a long sip of the amber liquid and handed it back to Hinata. “I’m tired.”

Hinata accepted the bottle and winced again as he stipped it. His drink was at least decent tasting. “Tell me about it.”

_ And it’s the lightness in the air when you’re there chest-to-chest with a lover _

“I-” Something deep inside Oikawa, so deep inside of him that he had to fight to bring it to the surface and vocalize, did want to tell Hinata.

Hinata handed the bottle back. “Tell me about it, Toru.” 

_ It’s holding on, through the road’s long, seeing light in the darkest things _

Oikawa stared at Hinata. His voice was soft, like a worn-down pillow that he’s had for years because it fits his head so perfectly. He searched his eyes for that familiar spark. They sat there for fifteen minutes, drinking and staring. They eventually turned to face each other, leaning against the concrete for support while their injured body parts hung over the water. 

“I’m just so tired, Shoyo.” Oikawa whispered.

_ And when you stare at your reflection, finally knowing who it is _

_ I know that you’ll thank God you did _

Hinata barely heard him over the roar of the water, but he knew enough about himself to understand what Oikawa was saying through his expression and body language. It wasn’t different than what he had been saying himself.

_ I know where you been, where you are, where you goin’ _

_ I know you’re the reason I believe in life _

Hinata straightened up slightly and tried to smile. It was the first time in so many months was he was actually trying to smile for a reason other than trying to make someone who felt bad for him feel better. Oikawa stared at him, his head tilted slightly, and watched him. Hinata ran his fingers through the limp orange waves on his head.

_ What’s the day without a little night? _

_ I’m just tryna shed a little light _

_ It can be hard, it can be so hard _

“Does anybody know?” Hinata asked, finally vocalizing what each of them had been trying not to ask the other.

“No. You?”

Hinata shook his head. His chest felt tight, but in a different way than it had felt tight over the past year. “I-” He choked the word out. His cheek felt itchy and he reached his fingers up to scratch but realized that it was just a single salty tear sliding towards his chin. He dabbed at the drop with his finger and watched it pool and slide down his palm.

Oikawa’s breath came out ragged as he watched Hinata start sobbing. Heavy wracking sobs that made the hair on the back of his neck stand at attention. 

_ But you gotta live right now, you got everything to give right now _

Moments later, they were in each other’s arms. 

_ I’ve been on the low, I been taking my time _

_ It feel like my life ain’t mine (who can relate?) _

Oikawa’s weightless tears flowed against Hinata’s gray t-shirt. 

_ I finally wanna be alive, I finally wanna be alive _

_ I don’t wanna die today, I don’t wanna die _

Hinata’s fingers dug into Oikawa’s shoulder, his nails scraping against the skin that his sleeveless shirt revealed.

_ Pain don’t hurt the same, I know, The lane I travel feels alone _

_ But I‘m moving ‘til my legs give out and I see my tears melt in the snow _

_ But I don’t wanna cry, I don’t wanna cry anymore _

“Do you want to come over?” Oikawa said in gasped breaths against Hinata’s neck.

“Ye-yes,” Hinata responded immediately.

They walked back towards Oikawa’s car, leaving behind their shoes, Hinata’s bike, and the doubts of their own lives.

_ I wanna feel alive, I don’t even wanna die anymore _


	4. Heavy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daichi has been out of sorts after a particularly hard case really got to him. This takes place after. There are some descriptions of the case (this is the graphic violence chapter). I might expand on this, I'm not sure yet. I love DaiSuga. This was also significantly longer than I thought it would be.

Daichi buried his face in his calloused hands and sighed against them. He’d been up for God knows how long. He hadn’t slept more than a couple of hours at a time in almost a week. They had just finished the worst case that he has ever been a part of. He closed his eyes and tried to fall asleep again.

Daichi was a homicide detective and had been for almost 10 years. He had tragic cases before, easy cases, shitty cases, cases that wouldn’t end, and cases that ended too fast: but there was nothing else like the one they just closed.

Daichi and his partner, Hayato Ikejiri, worked themselves to the bone during that case and his sleepless nights were proof of it. Thankfully, Ikejiri wasn’t taking it as badly as Daichi was. Daichi was the first one on the scene after the local police alerted the homicide division. Nothing could have prepared him for what he was about to witness.

* * *

He had seen too many dead bodies to count over the years, coming up as a street cop then being promoted to detective, he had been involved in so much shit, but still...when he walked into that apartment, he was not prepared.

The first thing he saw was padlocks. They were on everything, the doors, the windows, the outlets, the fridge, the cabinets, everything that could be locked up in the apartment was locked. He didn’t get a lot of information over the initial call. Apparently the first responding officer was too distraught to properly communicate anything other than the building being clear and that there were at least 3 dead.

There was blood in the kitchen, all over the floor. Not a significant amount, but enough to notice. There were holes in the walls, spatters of blood around each opening.

There was more blood in the hallway, a significant amount in the bathroom. The bathtub was where the first body was. She couldn’t have been more than 8. She might have had soft chestnut brown hair that was wavy when she brushed it out, but when Daichi saw her hair it was matted with blood, stuck to her face. 

He analyzed the scene as best as he could then went to the next room, there was another body, a younger body, in the bedroom opposite the bathroom. He didn’t realize his hand was shaking until Ikejiri pointed it out. 

The second bedroom held a boy, a sweet-faced beautiful boy no more than 6. He didn’t have any obvious injuries as Diachi approached his malnourished body, but they became more obvious the closer he became. 

His bones were sticking out of his body, his skin-tight around the hard parts of him due to lack of food. He could taste the vomit in the back of his throat, but he managed to keep it down.

“The third is in here.” Ikejiri motioned toward the last bedroom. The last bedroom was the worst of all, Daichi knew it would be before he even stepped foot in there. The blood trails led into that bedroom. There was a small handprint smeared across the doorframe. He took a deep breath and prepared himself. 

The last one was the smallest, she looked to be around 3 or 4 years old. Her eyes were still open, clear lifeless spheres staring straight at him. He got closer to examine her battered body when she moved. It was the smallest movement, but she twitched.

“Did you- Did you see-” Daichi stuttered and took a small step towards her. 

Ikejiri stared at Daichi. “No- Daichi- she’s dead.”

“No- LOOK SHE’S MOVING!” Daichi lunged toward the girl as she blinked. 

“Daichi, please-” Ikejiri’s voice was gruff and laced with worry.

Daich squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. She moved again.

“Holy fuck- GET THE EMT’S BACK IN HERE NOW! CALL A BUS!” Ikejiri screamed as he watched her hand move inches toward Daichi.

Daichi knelt next to her. She shouldn’t be alive, there was no reason she should be alive. He was pretty positive he could see brain matter on the bed. He reached out and touched her hand. “Hi, princess.” He choked the words out. He squeezed her hand and her head fell to the side from its awkward angle, there was the smallest spark of life in the darkest part of her iris. “It’s going to be okay, I’m right here-” He reached out to stroke her hair, not caring that he now had blood on his fingers. “It’s going to be okay, love. I’ll take care of you.”

Daichi watched as she tried to reach for it, whether it was her consciously reaching for him or an unconscious twitch of the last of her life leaving her body, he whispered praises to her until the smallest gasp of a final breath filled the air.

_ I don’t like my mind right now, stacking up problems that are so unnecessary.  _

_ I wish that I could slow things down, I try to let go but there’s comfort in the panic _

* * *

Another gasp filled the air as Daichi woke up struggling to breathe. He swung his legs off the side of the bed and clutched his chest. He blindly reached for the water bottle he kept next to his bed, his eyes still adjusting to the darkness. 

He fell forward and off of the bed, gasping against as his knees hit the floor. 

“Daichi?” A worried voice yanked Daichi back to reality. The bedside lamp turned on and light illuminated the room. He was at Daichi’s side before Daichi could wheeze another breath. “Daichi-” The pale-haired man lifted both of his hands to Daichi’s face, moving his thumbs along his cheekbones, that always worked to help calm him down.

“Koushi-” Daichi’s eyes were wide and wild, darting around the room as he came down from the fourth panic attack he had since they closed the case.

“I’m right here.” Koushi Sawamura pulled Daichi against his chest and held him as tight as his leaner frame could until his breathing became steady. “I’m right here.” He repeated against the top of Daichi’s head.

_ And I drive myself crazy, thinking everything’s about me _

_ Yeah, I drive myself crazy, ‘cause I can’t escape the gravity _

Koushi stroked his husband’s hair until his breathing was rhythmic and slow, the controlled rising and falling of his chest indicating he was back asleep.

Koushi wasn’t oblivious, he knew Daichi was going through something and had been for months. He heard about the case on the news, it was a vile murder that shot to the headlines of every website, newspaper, and television channel. It hit especially close to home when not only Daichi was assigned to the case, but when the victim’s names came out: Koushi realized one of the children was in his kindergarten class the year before. His name was Eiji and his name meant great peace and he died the least peaceful way possible. He, alongside his siblings, were battered and broken by someone who was supposed to love them. Koushi couldn’t bring himself to think about it and his heart was shattering at what Daichi had to deal with. The only thing he was thankful for was that the parents plead guilty and didn’t fight at the trial at all.

However, Daichi wasn’t sleeping. He was barely eating. He wasn’t going to the gym to decompress like he normally did. He was mostly laying in bed or sitting in front of the TV with a blank expression. His stubble had started to overgrow his face and he just looked so exhausted. Koushi continued going to work and he had a hard time leaving every morning after seeing Daichi’s listless expression. It took him four days just to convince him to shower.

Koushi let Daichi sleep against his thigh as long as he could, wanting the raven-haired man to get as much rest as he could. He stirred awake a few hours later and glanced up at Koushi who was fast asleep, leaning back against the bed, softly snoring.

Daichi gently lifted himself out of Koushi’s arms.

* * *

Daichi padded into the bathroom and gripped the sides of the sink. He sighed quietly then looked up at the mirror. That was a mistake.

_ I’m holding on, why is everything so heavy?  _

_ Holding on, so much more than I can carry _

There were deep dark bags under his eyes that matched the dull brown color of his eyes. His hair looked greasy and too long. His facial hair was definitely too long, he rarely grew it out and when he did he was at least consciously aware of it. He pursed his lips and reached for his razor. He changed the blade for a fresh one. He rubbed warm water on his face and quickly washed it with something of Koushi’s that smelled like pine and fresh grass. He grabbed the shave oil Koushi bought him to feel better a few weeks ago. It was unopened and untouched. He opened the cap, removed the protective lid, and rubbed it onto his face. He reached into the bag that had more self-care items and felt a new shaving cream as well. 

He shaved slowly, thankful that his hand stopped shaking at least for that moment. He wiped his face and looked up into the mirror again, his face clean as it usually was. 

_ I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down,  _

_ If I just let go, I’d be set free. _

_ Holding on, why is everything so heavy? _

Daichi put everything away, cleaned the sink, and found himself in the kitchen. The thought of eating made his nauseous, but he knew he needed to. There was one thing in the world he could go for right now-

“There’s some leftover onigiri and shoyu ramen from last night.”

Daichi gave Koushi a small grateful smile and his smile grew a little wider when he saw his husband’s eyes light up as he nodded. “Please.”

Koushi heated up the food and served it not long after. He settled across from Daichi and watched him eat with significantly less hesitation than he’s seen lately. His heart soared. He wanted to ask him how he was going and let him cry if he needed to, but he didn’t want him to shut down again. He decided to let Daichi come to him, however slow that may be.

“You don’t work today?” Daichi asked as he set his plate in the sink.

Koushi smiled wistfully. “Not for another few weeks.”

“Taking some time off?” Daichi turned, leaning against the counter.

Koushi furrowed his eyebrows together. He realized more and more each day just how affected by that case Daichi was. “It’s winter, love.”

Daichi nodded but still looked confused. “I noticed, it looks freezing outside. Is the weather too bad to go to school?”

Koushi frowned. “It’s Christmas in a couple of days.”

Daichi’s eyes widened as he realized what month it was. “It’s-it’s not-” Daichi shook his head slowly. “It’s not- Koushi, what? It’s not December.”

Koushi leaned back in his chair slightly. “Yes, it is-”

“No, it’s NOT!” Daichi said the last word louder. His pupils were dilated and he was starting to sweat.

“Let me show you. It’s December twenty-” Koushi started to get out of his chair.

“NO!” Daichi yelled. Koushi flinched and fell back into his chair as if Daichi’s yell had the physical strength of a gust of wind. Daichi started shaking his head and stomped into their bedroom. Koushi pinched the sleeve of his long sleep shirt and looked down at his hands. He looked up again as Daichi emerged from their room, fully dressed.

“Where are you going?” 

“Out.” Daichi slammed the door behind him.

Koushi couldn’t help the tears that started to fall.

* * *

_ You say that I’m paranoid, but I’m pretty sure that water’s out to get me _

_ It’s not like I made the choice to let my mind stay so fucking messy _

The frigid winter breeze felt like a slap to the face as Daichi made his way down the 3 stairs that led to their home. He tightened his scarf around his chin and zipped up his jacket.

It was December? How long has it been December? He pulled out his phone and it was December 20th.

How- How did he lose track of time that badly that he didn’t remember going handing out candy for Halloween? Koushi LOVED Halloween, he loves dressing up in a couple’s costumes and handing out candy then going to one of their friend’s parties. They would get drunk and happy and end up sloppily making out in the back of a cab before having the top half of each other’s costumes off before they made it through their front door. 

How did he miss the entire month of November? They LOVED Thanksgiving. Ever since they moved to California with a handful of their friends, they celebrated it every single year. Sometimes they celebrated it twice a year and had a half-giving in May. They made a huge deal out of it, it was at a different friend’s house every year- this year, fuck! Whose house was it supposed to be at? Why couldn’t he remember? Why couldn’t he remember what they did for Thanksgiving? Did they really not do anything? Was he working?

He couldn’t remember the traditional foods that their American friends would always bring or the amazing American food that Koushi had learned to cook and perfect over the years. Did he really just forget about it? Why hadn’t Koushi said anything?

Especially with Christmas around the corner, more than anything Daichi would always get sucked into the holiday spirit as soon as Thanksgiving was over. He would start decorating the house, putting up Christmas lights outside and inflatable snowmen, and the same Rudolph they’ve had for almost their entire relationship.

He thought back to how the house looked and there wasn’t anything, not a single decoration.

_ I know I’m not the center of the universe but you keep spinnin’ ‘round me just the same _

Daichi pulled his phone out and dialed his other best friend’s number. It rang four times before he finally answered.

“Koushi?”

“What? No, it’s Daichi-”

“Daichi?”

He could hear someone gasp in the background. “Why would you think Koushi is calling you on my phone?”

Asahi’s hesitation was clear even digitally. “Oh uh- sorry, didn’t really look at the caller ID. I just saw the phone of the two of you and-”

“Does Koushi call you more than me? I call you all the time!” Daichi exclaimed impatiently.

“All the time?”

For the first time since he could remember, Asahi sounded annoyed. Daichi heard a voice in the background asking if he really just said that. “Is that Noya?”

“Yes- wait, Noya! Noya- stop!-” there were the sounds of a scuffle until Noya popped onto the phone.

“Hello? Daichi?”

“Yes, Noya?”

“Why are you calling?”

“What do you mean why? Why can’t I talk to my best friend?”

Noya scoffed. “Your best friend- seriously?”

“I don’t understand-”

“Of course you don’t. Of course, you don’t understand. Maybe if you’d answered your phone to say anything other than ‘stop calling me’ in the past four months you would understand that Asahi doesn’t want to speak to you.” Noya snapped into the phone. 

The line went dead.

Daichi tried to call back, but it went to voicemail. He tried again but still no luck. “Shit.” He cursed to himself. He scrolled through his text messages and was appalled at what he saw. How checked out was he?

There were messages that were read but never responded to dating back 2 months when they eventually just stopped texting him. The only one that even continued trying was Koushi. He clutched his chest as he read through the angry messages from Noya after skimming through the heartfelt ones from Asahi. 

Asahi’s mother died in late August. Daichi remembered that she hadn’t been doing well for a while, but he couldn’t remember that she passed away. He couldn’t remember not replying to any of his messages when he clearly needed support. He couldn’t remember receiving all the angry outbursts from Noya after he didn’t respond to Asahi. 

He felt tears sting at the corners of both of his eyes. It really was December.

* * *

_ I know I’m not the center of the universe but you keep spinnin’ ‘round me just the same _

Daichi looked up at his apartment and saw the light in the living room turn off. It felt like a sign. He didn’t even know if he should go back. He should have grabbed his keys.

He scrolled through his phone again and dialed another number, the one person he knew wouldn’t fault him for anything that had happened.

He answered on the second ring. “Daichi! Daichi is that really you? I haven’t talked to you in forever! How are you?”

Daichi let the breath he was holding go. “Hinata, hi, I’m sorry to call so early-”

“No, that’s fine, I was already awake. Why are you up? It’s like 6 am!” Hinata asked excitedly.

Daichi sighed softly. “I just needed someone to talk to- are you still living down the street?” Daichi asked because he wasn’t sure what else he had missed in the last few months.

“Oh, no, not anymore. Well, not that direction. I’m a little closer, but to your left instead of your right now. I moved in with Kageyama finally. I asked him like 5 million times to move in with me but he kept saying no. I finally asked if I should move in with him and I was living with him the next day!” Hinata rambled on about how Kageyama was the best roommate ever unless he was yelling at Hinata for no reason. 

Daichi didn’t even know they had gotten together. Last he heard, Hinata was dating Yahi and had been for quite some time. He choked back a sob which made Hinata stop talking.

“Daichi? Are you okay?” Hinata’s concern drifted through the receiver.

“No- Hinata. No, I’m not- I need-” Daichi rubbed his face hard with his hands.

“Where are you? I can come to get you.” Hinata’s voice was low but insistent.

“I’m walking to the left, what’s your address?”

“Daichi, no! It’s 20 degrees outside!”

Daichi heard a lot of shuffling as he shivered violently, slowly realizing how cold it was. He heard an engine start a few seconds later. Daichi was sitting in Hinata’s living room a few minutes later listening to the little orange-haired wonder scold him about walking in the cold with a pair of pajama pants and only one pair of socks. He continued chastising Daichi as he made him tea and brought out a foot bath.

“Hinata- I really don’t need-”

“-and Daichi seriously! You’re older now, you shouldn’t be so irresponsible! What if you go home and get Koushi sick? Then gets his kids sick at school then everyone is sick and you’re the outbreak monkey!” Hinata knelt in front of Daichi and pulled his shoes off.

Daichi didn’t really know what else to do so he just sat there and watched Hinata.

“You seem like you’re doing a bit better, are you?” Hinata asked brightly. “You looked better since I saw you last.”

“Can I ask something without me sounding crazy?” Daichi started. Hinata glanced up at him and nodded, returning his attention to the settings on the footbath. “When was the last time you saw me?”

“Uh- I mean, I’ve seen you a lot lately, but usually when I’m at your place hanging out with Koushi and Kageyama, but you’re usually sleeping. The last time we actually hung out, I mean it’s been a little while, a few months I think. We thought we would see you at Halloween but I thin you were working. Then we were supposed to see you for Thanksgiving at Asahi’s house but Noya seemed upset about it. Koushi was there though! OH!” Hinata snapped his fingers, startling Daichi from his attempt at remembering any of what Hinata was talking about. Daichi looked up at him. “We hung out two weeks ago! I went over to cheer up Koushi, he’s seemed down for a little while now, but I brought him some spicy mapo tofu from that new place he really likes-” Daichi felt his chest tighten as he had no idea, still, what Hinata was talking about. “-and we hung out! We watched a movie. You didn’t say anything, but we hung out for a couple of hours.”

Daichi swallowed thickly and tore his gaze from Hinata’s caramel-colored eyes. He looked down at his hands, clenching them into fists and releasing them over and over.

“Do you-” Hinata’s eyebrows somehow furrowed closer together. “Do you not remember?” 

“No. I don’t.”

Hinata stared at Daichi, unable to believe the man sitting in front of him was the same powerful untouchable captain that towered over him in high school. The unbreakable senior that was the backbone of their entire team. He looked...lost. He looked worse than Hinata’s teammate Bokuto when he got into his dejected mode that only his boyfriend could break. The two of them stayed silent for a bit, the bubbles of the footbath filling the room.

“Thank you, Hinata- for all of this.” Daichi gripped the warm mug.

“Anytime!” Hinata grinned at him. His phone buzzed and he reached down to check it. Kageyama was grumbling about him being too loud and waking him up and ‘come back to bed before I drag you back, you idiot’. Hinata smiled at his phone.

“I should go.” Daichi finally spoke again.

“No, no, it’s fine!” Hinata tried to argue.

Daichi held his hand up. “Thank you, again, for listening-” Daichi set his empty cup down and pulled Hinata in for a hug. 

Hinata grinned and hugged his friend as tight as he could manage. “Seriously, anytime!”

* * *

Hinata insisted Daichi at least take his car to go home. 

* * *

Daichi couldn’t go home. He couldn’t go home and look Koushi in the eye after he snapped at him, after everything he had put Koushi through over these past few months. The worst part was, he didn’t even know what he had put his husband through. He had no idea and that hurt him more than anything.

_ I’m holding on, why is everything so heavy? _

_ Holding on, so much more than I can carry. _

_ I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down, _

_ If I just let go I’d be set free. _

He gripped the steering wheel and decided he was going to have to fix everything as best as he possibly could before the day was over. 

* * *

He drove straight to Asahi and Noya’s apartment. Noya opened the door and the smile that was constantly plastered on his face faded into a strong glare. 

“No.” 

“Noya- please-” Daichi’s voice cracked and he couldn’t get another word out. 

Asahi came up behind his shorter fiance and he had the same soft facial expression that he always carried on his face. “Da-” He stopped when Noya leaned back against him. 

Noya wasn’t leaning back to stop Asahi, he was stepping back to let Daichi in and he didn’t realize Asahi was behind him since he walked as quietly as a damn vampire. “Come in.”

* * *

Daichi spent the next four hours listening to Noya and Asahi, though mostly Noya, recount the last few months of their lives that Daichi was stuck on autopilot for.

“I’m so sorry about your mom, Asahi. I didn’t- I didn’t realize- I didn’t-”

“I understand. You’ve been going through a lot that none of us could relate to, I understand. I mean it-” Asahi’s eyes fell to the floor as he recounted painful memories that were being brought to the forefront of his consciousness again. 

“I really am sorry. I should have been there.”

“Yes, you should have,” Noya added. Asahi sighed and gave Noya a pointed look. Noya glared back but relented. He leaned forward and put his hand on Daich’s shoulder. “We understand you have been dealing with a lot. Shit happens, we know that. We just- we miss our friend. We really miss our friend.”

Daichi nodded. “I do too.” He responded earnestly.

“What brings you by today?” Asahi asked. Noya leaned back against him and scooted as close as he possibly could without crawling into his lap.

“I need to fix something. Badly.”

Asahi nodded understandingly. “Koushi?”

“Yes.”

“He’s been killing himself for you, ya know?” Noya said. Noya’s blunt honesty was something that annoyed most people but it felt like it was helping pulled Daichi out of whatever cloud that had completely engulfed him.

“I know. I’m trying- I’m trying.” 

Asahi and Noya exchanged a glance as their oldest friend cried wordlessly. 

_ I’m holding on, why is everything so heavy? _

Another hour later and they had a plan. 

They called Tanaka and his wife, a few of Hinata’s teammates. So many people came out of the woodwork for Daichi, some to reprimand him for his lack of communication, but most of them were willing to help. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was the one asking or because Koushi was the one they were helping. Either way was fine for him. As long as it helped Koushi.

Noya convinced Koushi to have a sleepover at their house with Hinata and Koushi jumped at the chance for the bonding time. He was always in the middle of the group.

* * *

Koushi came home in the early afternoon on Christmas Eve. Daichi was sitting at the counter drinking tea while he scrolled through his phone. He stood when Koushi came in, the gray-haired man didn’t see him at first. He jumped slightly when he finally realized he wasn’t alone in the kitchen. He expected Daichi to be sleeping.

“Oh, shit- Daichi! You’re- in the kitchen?” Koushi exclaimed as he dropped his bag.

Daichi chuckled softly and his husband’s eyes were so wide that it had him worried slightly. “K-”

Koushi cut him off before he had a chance to say anything. “Daichi, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Daichi seemed normal for a minute, it seemed like everything was back to normal. He was sitting in the kitchen having tea and  _ laughing _ .

“I’m fine, love.” Daichi stood and stepped toward Koushi. Koushi’s eyebrows were pushed together until he had the cutest wrinkle between them. The doorbell rang before Daichi had a chance to lean toward him. He hadn’t realized the time. “Let me grab it.”

Koushi tried to collect himself as he sank into a stool in the kitchen. He looked up and had to catch his breath. The house was decorated! He didn’t know when or how Daichi managed to do it, but it was beautifully decorated in a way only Daichi could pull off. All of the little Christmas figurines that he had collected over the years were delicately strewn about the house. There were sparkly lights above the door, he even spotted mistletoe. There was a beautiful arrangement in the center of their dining room table. It was beautiful. He felt his eyes start to sting.

Daichi pulled the door open and it seemed all of their friends had arrived at once. He greeted them one by one. Hinata and Kageyama brought three different kinds of pie. Little did everyone know, Kageyama was a bit of a baker and Hinata liked to watch (he had zero culinary skills and was quite lucky to have found Kageyama). Bokuto and Akaashi entered next. They became close with the first two guys after Bokuto and Hinata ended up playing together on the pro team. They brought a turkey that, according to Bokuto, was 25 pounds. Asahi and Noya brought their version of spicy potatoes as well as green bean casserole (Asahi and Noya argued that it was the best thing they’d ever come across in another country). Tanaka and Kiyoko brought drinks as well as way too much alcohol. Oikawa and Iwaizumi even showed up after Hinata accidentally texted him instead of Kageyama. None of them believed it was actually a mistake since Oikawa and Hinata were friends, much to the tall raven-haired former setter’s dismay..

Koushi shook himself out of the daze of looking around the house and smiled brightly at the guests. He looked at Daichi and watched as his husband looked happier than he had seen him in so long. Koushi clasped his hands together and silently thanked all of his friends, he had no doubt they had banded together to help him help himself.

“Koushiiiiii!” Hinata ran at the man he still considered to be a parental figure in his life with open arms. Koushi embraced him tightly and tried his hardest not to cry.

“Oh, Shoyou-” Koushi choked out into his orange hair.

“He came to us. Finally.” Hinata whispered back.

The room was lively and full of so much energy the entire afternoon, they quieted down slightly as the day went on. 

Daichi stood in the middle of the room and cleared his throat. He looked out at his friends.

_ I know I’m not the center of the universe but you keep spinnin’ ‘round me just the same _

_ I know I’m not the center of the universe but you keep spinnin’ ‘round me just the same _

_ And I drive myself crazy thinking everything’s about me _

“I just wanted to say thank you to everyone. Words can’t express how grateful I am to all of you, especially for giving up your holiday so I could remember what it meant to be happy again.” Daichi wiped at his eyes and smiled. “You are all the best friends that I could ask for and I am in your debt-” His eyes felt drawn towards his husbands and his smile faded slightly as he saw the brightness in his eyes. It was always there, no matter what, Koushi Sawamura was the shining light in Daichi’s life.

“Most of all- I want to thank my husband.” Koushi’s hand covered his mouth gently, his other hand gripped his sweatshirt as he listened to Daichi. “I want to thank you for everything. Thank you for not giving up on me. I got you something- it’s not your actual present, there’s something else I want to give to you in private-” Their wildly inappropriate group of groups started ‘oohing’ and ‘aahing’. Koushi blushed fervently. “I did something and I know we should have discussed it together, but I knew it was the right decision and I know you would have as well.” Daichi reached into his messenger bag on the counter and pulled out a piece of paper. He handed it to Koushi and watched his eyes widen as he read it.

“Daichi-” Koushi looked up at his husband with misty eyes. “You retired?”

Several gasps were heard throughout the room as all other conversation came to a halt.

Daichi simply nodded. “I did. I’m done.”

Koushi started sobbing as he fell forward and wrapped his arms around his husband.

“This is a good response, right?” Daichi asked nervously.

Koushi sobbed further and nodded his head, the words escaping from his mouth not making any sense at all. Daichi hugged him tighter.

_ Holding on, why is everything so heavy? _

_ Holding on, so much more than I can carry. _

_ I keep dragging around what’s bringing me down _

_ If i just let go, I’d be set free. _

“I love you, Daichi Sawamura, I love you more than you’ll ever know.”

“And I love you Koushi Sawamura. There is a second part to that gift though-” Daichi stepped back after helping Koushi steady himself. He rubbed the back of his neck and glanced around at the remaining guests in their house. 

Hinata was watching excitedly, Kageyama was pretending not to be watching, Bokuto was as obvious as Hinata and Akaashi might have been asleep in his lap. Asahi was definitely asleep in Noya’s lap as Noya finished the rest of a pie.

“I want to start a family, Koushi. It’s about time we do.” Daichi reached for Koushi’s slender hands and entwined their fingers together. “I love you.”

“We’re starting a family?” Koushi sounded so hopeful that Daichi knew he was going to make it happen as soon as he possibly could.

“Yes. Yes, please.” 

Hinata and Noya started clapping overly enthusiastically, waking up both Akaashi and Asahi.

“Come on, babe, let me take you home.” Bokuto stood and lifted a sleepy Akaashi to his feet. Akaashi leaned against Bokuto as he wrapped his arm around the taller man’s waist. Akaashi yawned and Bokuto stared at him with the utmost adoration.

The rest of the guys filed out and Daichi closed the door behind them.

“Hey- look.” Koushi was close behind him. Daichi turned and Koushi was looking above them, at the mistletoe.

Koushi’s smiled reached his eyes, crinkling them in the corners. His eyebrows were drawn together, he had both glee and concern across his face. 

Daichi slid his hand up to the back of Koushi’s neck and moved the other around his back. 

Their lips touched lightly, so lightly that Koushi wasn’t even sure they actually kissed but he knew they did as he felt the familiar shock through his body anytime his lips hit Daichi’s. He pulled back slightly and ran his thumb over the brunette’s bottom lip. 

“I missed you, so much.” Koushi’s voice shook and his jaw trembled.

Daichi cupped his jaw and smiled earnestly. “I’m sorry, Koushi. I’ll never disappear like that again.” 

Koushi’s voice was hoarse when he spoke and said “Kiss me. Please-”

Daichi obliged immediately and their lips crashed together. Their hands slid in each other’s hair, gripping and tugging and pulling. Although it would be amazing that night, Koushi didn’t even want sex. He wanted to feel Daichi, he wanted to feel him and sit with him and talk to him and just love him.

Koushi pulled back slowly and their foreheads pressed together. Their shoulders rose and fell quickly as they both tried to catch their breath. Koushi buried his face against Daichi’s broad chest, breathing in his familiar and intoxicating scent. Daichi rested his cheek against Koushi’s head and hugged him tight. 

\----


	5. Talk to Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bokuto having his first time with his childhood best friend (NOT BokuAka. This is Bokuto x female OC) This is a one-shot lemon, it's mostly unrequited childhood crushes and fluff and we all know where that leads. Plus this is significantly happier than the other stories.

I couldn’t believe I was there. I absolutely could not believe where I was. I was in Koutarou Bokuto’s bedroom. I looked around in the dim light that was coming from his desk. He didn’t seem like the type to have an entirely separate office, but I thought I saw one as he led me up the stairs, but maybe he had two desks. Bokuto didn’t seem like the ‘all work and no pleasure’ type. I think that’s why I was there. I was rambling. Again.

Bokuto and I had been friends since we were kids. We were really close until high school. He started playing volleyball and I started playing volleyball. Our schedules never matched up and we were always practicing. I also  _ developed  _ over the summer of my eighth-grade year and he couldn’t look at me without stuttering anymore. I also thought he was dating the setter from his high school volleyball team, but that turned out not to be true. 

Somehow, we ended up at the same party in our freshman year of college. We caught eyes across the room and a promise that we made to each other after our first sex-ed class popped into my head. We promised that if we made it to college as virgins, we would have sex. We got the idea from some stupid movie, except their promise was that they would get married if they made it to 35 without finding someone they would love.

Bokuto simply nodded when we caught each other’s gaze and I nodded back. He turned around and headed toward the stairs. He was waiting for me at the bottom when I got there.

“Hi, Lea.” He greeted, his voice soft as ever.

“Koutarou. Hi.” I breathed his beautiful name.

His unreal golden eyes were piercing as he looked up the stairs. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been well. You?” The conversation was so awkward, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“Me too.” He looked back at me and didn’t say anything for a moment. “Do you remember-”

“Our promise?” I finished like we used to.

He nodded. “Yes. Do you remember?”

“I do.” 

“I didn’t-” His voice became quieter. “I never-”

“Me neither.”

I would drop dead before admitting that something inside of me always hoped Bokuto didn’t ever have sex with anybody in high school on the off chance that he remembered a bet we made in 5th grade and we could be together, even just for a night. The longing I had for Bokuto started when I was old enough to realize I could like anybody. He was just always there. At first, it was pure convenience, then it slowly morphed into me wanting privacy when we were changing into our pajamas before a sleepover. Then it turned into my blushing when my mom asked if I needed to go bra shopping. Bokuto pretended he didn’t hear what she said, but I knew he did. When we went into middle school, I would get the slightest bit flushed anytime he was around me. Him having girlfriends made things so much more awkward, that was another reason I let us drift apart. I had one boyfriend in high school, the same guy on and off over those long 4 years, but I don’t think either of us thought it was going to go anywhere, especially since we never went further than second base. Turns out, he was having sex with several other girls. I knew it was bad when I realized I just didn’t care. 

“Want to come up and see my room?”

What a nerdy thing to say, but that was Bokuto: nerdy. “Yes.” I hope I didn’t sound as desperate as I felt.

_ I wanna take you home, _ _   
_ _ to my place _

Bokuto pulled his sweater off, the small of his back peeking out slightly when his shirt lifted. More people would use beautiful to describe a man if they ever saw Bokuto. He was incredibly sexy, but also so beautiful. He had thick light gray hair that led to dark roots. It was straightened into unruly small spikes that were the result of never-ending hair maintenance. His eyes were a phenomenal color, almost like the most gold part of the sun. He had thick gray eyebrows that gave away his feelings when he tried to hide them but so few people knew that about him. He was tall and muscular and had strong definition in his back, arms, thighs, and calves from years of sports.

He leaned over me and smiled slightly, the smallest of all smiles. “Lia- are you sure?”

His asking made me want to say yes, my body was screaming yes but yes was not the word that came out of my mouth. “No.”

Bokuto straightened and stepped back slightly. “Uh- okay.”

My eyes fell to my hands as I smoothed out my skirt. I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Sorry, Koutarou.”

“Don’t be- I probably shouldn’t-” I looked up and he was staring into the distance, a forlorn look on his face. “I’m sorry.” The words were almost too quiet to hear.

I furrowed my eyebrows together and opened my mouth to speak. “You shouldn’t? Why?”

“Because- there’s no way you don’t know. There’s no way you have never known.”

“Known what?” I was genuinely confused.

“There’s no way you don’t know how much I like you.” 

For a moment, we were stuck in a parallel universe where Koutarou Bokuto was confessing to  _ me. _ He must have seen me try to subtly pinch myself because the corners of his mouth turned up. 

“I really didn’t think we would even be able to do this-”

“Uh, no! I didn’t either! I thought you would have had sex years ago.” I interrupted. I held the backs of my fingers to my cheeks to try and cool my blushing down.

Bokuto stared at me from across the room, he had retreated to leaning against his desk. “Wait, what? Lia?”

“Kou-” I sighed and avoided his eyes completely.

He walked toward me again and stopped at the edge of the bed, directly in front of me. “Why did you say no?” I fidgeted with the hem of my skirt. “Lia.” He said my name as a warning. He always did that when he was trying to get me to admit something. 

I looked up at him and shrugged. “Because of the same reasons as yours.”

“You’re joking.” He rocked back on his heels.

“I am not,” I said defensively.

“ _ You  _ like  _ me _ ?” 

I was sure he didn’t mean it to but the way he said that made me fidget more. 

Bokuto leaned toward me again, that time he squatted in front of me and rested his hand on my bare thigh. I blinked at his large hands and bit the inside of my lip. I nodded. I felt the tips of his fingers touch my chin.

“You have such pretty eyes, Lia.” 

That was definitely an alternate universe.

“Such pretty lips.” 

My eyes widened slightly as he tilted his head upward toward mine. “Bokuto-” I closed my eyes as he pressed his lips against mine, soft and barely there.

He pulled back and I pulled back. We looked at each other then his mouth came crashing against mine again. I pulled his t-shirt off and continued kissing him. It felt like what I’d been dreaming about every single damn night for so many years of my life.

Bokuto slipped on his discarded t-shirt and came crashing down on me. Our kiss turned into a laugh and hearing his laugh made me feel warm all over. 

He moved his legs around mine so his knees were next to mine and he held himself up by his hands. “Is this okay?”

I nodded, blushing again. My eyes wandered away from his messy hair, down past his eyes and toward his chest. I reached out and lightly ran my fingers across his skin. “Is this?”

He nodded back. “Are you comfortable?”

“Um- yeah, I’m okay.” I turned my head to the side. “Can we move back a little?”

“Yeah, sure-” Bokuto moved to my side and let me scoot back into the middle of his bed instead of hanging off the edge of it.

I sat up and evened the score by pulling off my own shirt. I just had on a short sleeve blacktop. I felt his eyes on me when I laid back.

“Stop looking at me like that.” I suddenly felt self-conscious in front of him.

“You’re beautiful. You always have been.” Bokuto traced his fingers down my torso and across my stomach. His touch was as light as I thought it would be.

_ Share my dreams and my fantasies _

_ I can’t wait _

I forgot to breathe when he kissed me again. All I could think about was that I was there. I was there with Bokuto. I was actually there with Bokuto.

He propped his head on the palm of his hands and I noticed his eyes had fallen to my bra. I was so grateful that it was a cute bra. It was new. It was light gray and lacy and pushed my breasts up in a really complimenting way. My underwear matched but he didn’t know that, at least not yet. Although we hadn’t been hanging out so much during that time, something about laying in bed next to Bokuto, albeit half-naked, felt strangely comfortable. It felt incredibly comfortable. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

I turned my head to the side and gazed into his dark thoughtful eyes. “Just this-”

“This is crazy, right?” He finished like he used to.

“It is.” I nodded slowly. 

“Might as well make it a little crazier.” He responded quietly. I smiled at him as he bit the corner of his lip. He leaned towards me and kissed me again. It sounded so cliche but there was something magical about the way his lips felt against mine. The way his palm felt against my bare hip. There was something about it that felt right. He fit next to me. I truly hoped he felt the same and this wasn’t going to be a mistake. I could handle it if it was going to be a one-night thing, but I couldn’t handle it if he regretted it after. His brows were furrowed again and he was looking at me again. “Lia-”

“This isn’t going to be a mistake, right? Something isn’t going to wake up inside of you afterward and you leave and regret this and it was all a big mistake?” My thoughts were running a mile a minute and I wasn’t even sure if he understood me with how fast I was speaking.

“I thought you might think it was a mistake.” He spoke quietly and for the millionth time that night, I couldn’t believe what he said.

“Why would I- No, no that’s not right. There’s no universe where I regret this.” 

Bokuto’s lips crashed into mine again, with even more purpose than before. He gripped the back of my neck and pulled me against him. I dug my nails into his side and slid my hand up his back, feeling for the muscle that made his skin so taut. He moved over me again and settled between my legs. I bent my knees and already felt that he was hard against me.

Do we do foreplay? Do we just kiss then move right on to the sex? Does he have a condom? Do I have a condom? Are we going to stay on the bed? What-

“You think too much.” Bokuto’s quiet laugh brought me out of my head. “Let me put on background noise. Maybe that will help.” Bokuto grabbed his Xbox controller and turned on Netflix. He picked something random and it wasn’t until the screaming as he was about to start kissing me again that he realized it was a horror movie. I couldn’t help but laugh. We both laughed. He put on something quieter, but it did help. “Is that better?” I nodded and sat up on my elbow. He reached down and unbuckled his belt. He fumbled with the button on his jeans for longer than necessary and it hit me that he was also nervous. 

I made my way off of the bed and stood in front of him, shirtless and flushed. I looked up at him. He didn’t always use to be taller than me. I had my growth spurt around 5th grade where I jumped up to 5’7. I was taller than most girls in my school and it was always embarrassing for me. I stuck out. I have light blonde hair, everyone else was dark-haired. I was taller and thin until my chest finally caught up with the rest of my body  _ after _ middle school. Bokuto was shorter than me until my freshman year of high school. He went to stay with some family over the summer after we finished middle school. He came back and all of a sudden he was over 6 feet tall. I remembered seeing him stuffed into the backseat of his mom's car when he came to see me. I had to shade my eyes and look up at him in the sun, he had to look away because I was wearing a  _ bra  _ and my shirt was a little too fitted.

Now I was standing in front of him and his hands were settled on my hips, along the waistband of my skirt. I had mine against his chest, tracing little patterns in his skin. He was watching my fingers move and it was exhilarating. He was making me feel less nervous and I wanted him to feel less nervous.

_ I wanna show you things _

_ that you ain’t ever seen before _

I threaded my fingers into his hair and kissed him slowly. He pulled me against him, his body was so warm. I finished unbuttoning his jeans and pushed them down. I reached for his hand and pulled him back toward the bed. “Come sit.”

Bokuto sat and I stood between his knees. “You don’t have to-”

“I know. I want to.” I pressed my lips against his jaw, trailing light kisses down his neck. I couldn’t suppress the giggle that came when I saw goosebumps erupt down his arms. I lowered myself at the knee and traced my fingers down his stomach. 

He let out a long, slow, controlled breath as he watched me.

I moved between his legs. I could see him straining against the short boxer briefs he was wearing. I was prepared for him to be substantial, but I had a feeling I was getting myself into something more than I could handle.

Bokuto reached down and tilted my chin towards his. He leaned down and kissed me. I parted my lips and he slid his tongue against mine. I let my hand explore his body, moving my fingers toward the hem of his briefs. I pushed my hand up the stretchy fabric and felt him immediately. He groaned softly as I made contact with his erection. It was warm against my palm and a lot more than I ever expected for my first time. I pulled his boxers down, he lifted his hips slightly to assist me. “Have you ever-”

I felt my face get hot all over again. “No.” I looked up at him. “Have you?”

He shook his head. Judging by the way he was reacting to my touch, I believed him.”I mean not with-” He stopped talking and laid back. He was going to say not with someone else and that was my favorite thing about Bokuto, his ability to say things without thoroughly thinking them through.

I lightly raked my nails down his thigh and he started breathing faster, his chest rising and falling above me. I pressed my lips against his swollen head. I had done my research about how to do it, I had watched porn before of course, who hasn’t? I hoped my pure enthusiasm would help the situation as well.

It seemed to.

_ Girl, I keep crying, _

_ crying out for more _

He groaned again as I ran my tongue up his shaft. I swirled my tongue around the tip and one of his hands found its way into my hair. His touch was soft even as I took him in my mouth. He seemed hesitant about what to do. I felt a moan escape my mouth and his hips bucked into my mouth suddenly. 

“Shit- sorry- fuck-” Bokuto started releasing a string of curse words as I hollowed out my cheeks and let more of him in my mouth. His hand gripped my hair tighter as he gained the confidence to lead me. He sat up and now both of his hands were in my hair. “Fuck-fuck-fuck- wait- Stop-”

I pulled away from him and looked up. His eyes were so bright usually, but when he looked at me they were dark. “Are you okay? Was that okay?”

“Yes- God. Yes. Come up here, please.” As I stood, Bokuto’s hands moved to the back of my skirt and unzipped it. He pulled it down slightly and watched it fall to the floor, his eyes fell to my lacy gray underwear. I bit my lip and watched him hook his thumbs into the sides and slowly pulled them down. They joined my skirt. “Lay down-” He patted the bed next to him. 

I laid on my back, my head falling against his soft pillow. “Bokuto-”

He shook his head as he moved between my legs. “Call me my name- my actual name.”

I smiled down at him as he kissed my thigh. “Koutarou.” 

He smiled against my skin and his cheeks turned pink. “You’re incredible.” He whispered. He slid his hands up my torso. He hovered above me again and kissed my collarbone. I let out a sigh as my eyes followed his movements. He reached one hand behind me and unclasped my bra easily. “Do you remember Tracy?”

What? “Tracy?” I shifted uncomfortably.

“Tracy from-”

“Sophomore year, yes I remember Tracy. Your ex. You’re really bringing your ex up right now?”

“She taught me how to undo a bra with one hand.”

I stared down at him in disbelief, not knowing how to respond.

Bokuto was smiling until he looked up at me. “No, no, no! Sorry, shit-” He stumbled over his words. “Tracy told me she was a lesbian and her parents were close to finding out so she needed someone to help her show them she was straight until she could get out of their house- I was just saying...she would help me with advice and stuff. She put a bra on over her shirt and taught me how to take it off with one hand. I always wanted to try it on y-” He stopped short.

I laughed softly at his memory and how he went about trying to tell me that he liked me all this time. He was embarrassed which was good because I was also embarrassed so it worked out. “What else did she give you advice about?”

He kissed up my thigh and ran his tongue across my stomach. I gasped slightly as he sucked on my skin, leaving a trail of marks and heat on my stomach. He pushed my thighs apart and I bit my lip. “Has anybody ever-” I shook my head before he finished his sentence. 

I don’t think either of us realized that we were 110% virgins.

“Oh.” Was all he said as he put his mouth directly where I wanted it to go.

I gripped the sheets as he ran his tongue across me, swirling and sucking. “Oh- fuck.”

_ Talk to me, talk to me _

_ Am I doin’ this right? _

_ Talk to me, talk to me _

_ Are you feelin’ alright? _

I felt the pressure of one of his fingers push inside of me and I was already seeing stars. I don’t even know what he did next because I was lost in my own white-hot explosion of holy-shit-I-can’t-believe-he-just-did-that-so-fast. It took me a few minutes before I realized he was hovering of me, his face chock full of concern.

“Um-” 

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly.

I nodded slowly and bit my bottom lip. “Yes.”

_ I’ve been waiting for this my whole life, _

_ and here you are tonight. _

_ I’ve been waiting for this my whole life, _

_ and I can see it in your eyes. _

“Do you want to keep going?”

“Yes.” I reached for him and pushed my fingers into his hair. “Please.”

He reached into his nightstand fumbled a bit as he tried to open a box of what I assumed were condoms with one shaky hand. I suppressed a giggle and watched him. 

“Got it.” He grinned at me, melting away any last worry I had. 

“Can I-” I looked between us. “Can I do it?”

He handed me the gold foil wrapper after tearing it open with his teeth. He sat back on his knees, my thighs resting against his. I sat up slightly and took the condom out. After a solid 15 seconds of trying to figure out which way it went, I rolled it onto him and smirked when I saw how hard he was biting his lip and concentrating on my fingers.

I laid back down and leaned toward me. “Is this position okay?”

I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and nodded. I stared into his impossibly beautiful golden eyes and glanced at his ashen hair between my fingers. “It’s perfect.” I ran my eyes over his body. I couldn’t help but gaze at how his biceps tensed from holding himself above me, how the muscles in his chest contracted and expanded.

He was blushing and it was the cutest thing I’d ever seen. He kissed me, soft and sweet. 

_ So now here we are, _

_ turn the lights down low. _

_ We can go fast _

_ or we can go slow? _

I felt him press against my entrance and I was worried it wasn’t going to work. Fortunately, I was 18 years old and I knew how sex worked. I knew that it didn’t have to hurt if we did things right, that it was mostly just uncomfortable, and that it was going to be fine. 

I gasped as he pushed inside of me. He inched in slowly and even behind closed eyes I could tell he was watching my face for reactions. I gasped again and he stopped.

“Are you okay?”

I nodded immediately and opened my eyes. “Yes- I’m good.” 

He nodded and his mouth fell to mine again as he moved his hips against mine, letting me stretch to accommodate him. He groaned into my mouth. I slid my legs up until my thighs rested against his waist. He rocked into me slowly, taking his time and making sure I was comfortable. He pressed open-mouthed kisses against my jaw and my chest, he whispered praises of my beauty against my collarbone.

_ Are you ready to stay all night _

_ and see the morning light? _

_ I’ve been waiting and waiting and waiting _

_ my whole life _

“Koutarou-” I whimpered his name against his neck and he slowed his movements. “No-no- don’t stop. Please-”

He smiled as he pressed his chest against mine. He was breathing more controlled than I was and I couldn’t help but feel how tense he was. He was trying to make it last as long as it could and I commended him for that, but I wasn’t going to last long either. He groaned as I dug my nails into his back, subconsciously dragging them down his skin. One of his hands slid down my thigh and gripped my hip. 

“You’re incredible, Lia-” He spoke low into my mouth as he kissed me more.

_ I wanna kiss your lips, is that okay? _

_ I’m that guy, I’m that guy baby, _

_ you’ll be calling out my name, _

_ sing it to me now- _

I glided my other hand into his hair and parted my lips. I took his bottom lip between my teeth and there was no sound better than the one that escaped his mouth at that moment. He moaned louder and I moaned louder. I pushed against him, arching my back and he moved his hips faster and faster until I saw the brightest stars I had ever seen in my life. My vision blurred into something bright white. My eyes rolled back and I sunk my teeth into his shoulder to keep from crying out as loud as I wanted to.

“Lia-Lia-Lia-Lia-” My name didn’t even sound like words anymore as he stuttered and gasped into my hair.

Bokuto’s chest heaved against mine. We stayed like that, breathless and unmoving, and just feeling each other. I knew I was risking a lot, I could feel everything I felt about him multiplying by the second and I desperately hoped he felt the same.

“Lia-” He started a sentence then stopped multiple times. 

“Koutarou?” I said his name quietly.

The grin that lit up his face made my heart leap. However, it faded as quickly as it appeared. 

I furrowed my eyebrows together and frowned. “What?”

“Don’t regret this. Please don’t regret this.” His forehead fell against mine and his eyes were so earnest and bright and beautiful.

“I-”

“Wait, don’t say anything yet-” Bokuto lifted himself off of me and tossed the condom into the trash by his desk. “Do you want some water? I have water bottles-” He reached into the mini-fridge next to his bed and handed me an ice-cold bottle of water.

“Uh, sure-”

“Or a beer? Do you want a beer? I have beer, I think.” Bokuto started rummaging through his small fridge.

“No, no beer-”

“What about-”

“Koutarou, stop.”

His gaze snapped back toward mine. The sweat from his forehead made his hair deflate slightly, a few strands hanging to the side of his face. “What?”

“I would never- I could never regret this. It was…” I sighed softly. “It was incredible.”

“Really?”

“Yes, Bokuto, yes.”

“I could get used to hearing you say that.”

I turned a brand new shade of red and put my hands over my face. “Shut up!”

He kissed my fingers, my knuckles, and the backs of both of my hands. “I will not.” He moved my fingers to peek through them. I met his eyes and he was smiling so wide, I couldn’t help the matching smile on my face. “You like me, don’t you?”

I rolled my eyes and closed my fingers. “A little.”

“Good. I mean, I like you a lot, but I guess a little is okay.” 

I scoffed and moved my hands. He immediately kissed me. 

_ I wanna cater to you, _

_ No, nothing I wouldn’t do. _

_ I tried to find words to say _

_ I’ve never felt lovin’ this way _

I slipped my arms around his neck and he lifted me against him. 

“Wanna take a shower?”

“Yes, please.”

“We’re doing this, right?” He slid off of the bed, rose to his full height, and grinned at me.

“Showering?”

“No, Lia!” He sounded exasperated and I found it endearing. “This-” He motioned between the two of us. “We are doing this.”

“We are doing this.” I finally agreed.

“Finally!”


	6. Girl

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: abusive relationship.
> 
> Suga goes on a brunch date with Asahi and Shoyou but little does Suga know, it's a bit of an intervention. 
> 
> This idea has been stuck in my head for a while. It's SugaxNarita with implied SugaxOikawa. Thanks for reading!

Suga walked straight to the hostess standing behind a small booth. She offered him a wide smile as he unwrapped his scarf from around his face and removed his beanie.

“Hi, do you have a reservation?” She asked politely as she glanced down at her tablet.

“I do, I believe it’s under Kageyama for three.” 

She nodded and smiled again. “It is, you’re the last to arrive, follow me please.”

She led him through a slew of other people out enjoying their brunch. It was just past 10 am and Shoyou always said it was the perfect time for a mimosa. Suga wasn’t a morning person but Asahi and Shoyou insisted they spend a meal together. His boyfriend, Kazuhita Narita, had the day off and he wanted to spend it with him but Narita ended up going into work anyway. Suga didn’t have it in him to express his disappointment, again, so he decided to take a chance on his old friends. Shoyou had recently married Tobio Kageyama and Asahi was planning on asking Noya soon, although their circle of friends thought Noya was bound to do it himself any day now.

Suga saw Asahi and Shoyou before they noticed him. He frowned as they both appeared to be deep in a serious-looking discussion but he didn’t let it get to him. His skin was thicker than it had ever been.

“Suga!” Asahi stood first, enveloping Suga in a warm hug.

“Asahi, Shoyou, it’s so good to see you both! Sorry I’m a little late, I thought Narita was going to spend a little more time at home but he didn’t.” Suga explained unnecessarily since he wasn’t more than a couple of minutes late. He noticed Shoyou and Asahi both had drinks in front of them so they were definitely there earlier than him.

“Don’t worry about it for a second longer, we haven’t been here long.” Shoyou pulled out Suga’s chair slightly for him to sit.

They fell into an old rhythm of conversation, catching up with each other and seeing what’s been going on in their lives. Suga couldn’t help but notice it seemed like they were both trying to talk to him about something else, but they both seemed too afraid to ask.

“Okay, guys, what’s going on?” Suga finally asked.

Shoyou gulped down the rest of his third mimosa and his cheeks were tinted red. “What do you mean?”

“You two are acting like someone killed my dog and you know who did it but you don’t want to tell me.”

“Your analogies are always so weird.” Asahi commented.

“But I’m right, aren’t I?”

Asahi and Shoyo exchanged a glance that told Suga everything he needed to know.

_ Take a minute, girl, come sit down and tell us what’s been happenin’ _

_ In your face I can see the pain, don’t you try to convince us that you’re happy _

“How are things with Narita?” Shoyou’s voice was quiet, quieter than Suga had ever heard it before.

“Things are good,” Suga answered a little too quickly for their liking. “Things are great, I mean. He’s been working a lot but I think things are going well.”

Asahi looked down at his glass of water and nodded. “You know you can talk to us, right?”

Suga’s eyebrows furrowed together. “What do you mean? I talk to you guys all the time.” He looked over at Shoyou who was rubbing the back of his neck. Shoyou looked guilty. “Tell me what’s going on or I’m leaving.” Suga scooted his chair back slightly for good measure.

“Wait-!” 

“No, don’t go!” Asahi and Shoyou both jumped out of their chairs, startling Suga into staying.

“We should just tell him,” Shoyou said, looking at Asahi.

Asahi winced

“Tell me what?” Suga felt his blood run cold. They couldn’t know. They couldn’t. Could they? No, they couldn’t know what happened. Suga looked between the two of them and knew that they definitely did know. He let out a shaky breath as each man reached for one of his hands. His head fell forward and he couldn’t help the water that started to pool behind his eyes. “Shit.” Suga cursed softly.

The first time it happened, Suga knew it was his fault. He was up late texting Daichi about some problems he was having with Yui. He didn’t even notice when Narita came home. He didn’t notice until he felt Narita’s breath against his neck as he stared over his shoulder to look at who Suga was texting.

“Why are you texting Daichi so late?” Narita asked harshly.

Suga jumped, startled by the sudden voice behind him. He looked up and smiled. “Oh, babe, I didn’t hear you come in-”

“Why are you texting Daichi so late?” Narita repeated.

Suga saw something flash in his eyes and he frowned. “He’s just having some problems with Yui. What’s wrong?”

“Give me your phone.” Narita held his hand out.

“Wh-what?”

“Give me your phone, Suga, now,” Narita demanded a bit louder.

“Narita, what’s going on-”

“Don’t make me say it AGAIN!” Narita yelled.

Suga hated how badly he flinched at the loud tone. He handed his phone over wordlessly. He had experienced Narita’s jealousy before, but it usually just led to rough sex and bruises on his hips that hurt for a few days. That time, in the living room they shared together for years, there was something different about Narita, something hateful in his eyes.

He watched his boyfriend scroll through his phone at an alarming speed. There was no way he was actually reading anything. All of a sudden, Narita grunted and slammed the phone against the floor. Suga looked down as it shattered into pieces, the battery flying across the wood floor. 

“Why did you-” Suga didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before he felt the sharp sting of Narita’s hand flying across his face.

Suga looked up at the two men in front of him and sighed. “Who told you?”

_ We’ve seen this all before, but he's taking advantage of your passion. _

_ Because we’ve come too far for you to feel alone. _

_ You don’t let him walk over your heart. I’m telling you- _

“Daichi told us,” Shoyou admitted.

Suga rubbed his eyes. Of course, Daichi told them. The only reason Daichi even knew was that Narita didn’t want Suga to have his own phone anymore. Suga needed a phone so he ended up getting on anyway on a separate plan. The second time it happened was when Nartia found that phone.

Suga was in the middle of a conversation with Daichi, sitting in his kitchen when Narita came home from work. Suga greeted him with a smile as he usually did, but Narita’s eyes were only focused on the phone. Suga didn’t realize what was wrong until Narita knocked it out of his hand, shattering his second phone. It didn’t sting as much as the first time when his hand connected with his mouth, but it still hurt so badly.

Daichi rushed over and Narita went to take a nap. 

Suga’s lip was cut and already swollen, he gave a convincing story about slipping on something while he was on the phone and hitting the corner of the counter. Daichi seemed to believe him, or so Suga thought. Daichi said he heard yelling, but Suga couldn’t remember anything other than Narita’s ring making contact with his mouth, splitting the corner of it.

After Daichi left, Suga stayed in the living room, too worried to go into his own bedroom despite the late hour. He slept on the couch that night and the words Narita used in the morning hurt as badly as his hand did.

Suga laid in bed a few nights after wondering what happened. Narita had never shown signs of doing anything like that before. He had been jealous, sure, but nothing like what he had been doing after the first time he laid hands on Suga. Suga eventually quit his job as a teacher and withdrew from his main social circle. Narita was still good friends with most of them and told them all that Suga was depressed. Narita said he was helping Suga through a severe bout of depression. When Suga was starting his first bouts of depression, he couldn't help but wonder why a single friend didn’t come to check on him. Not a single one.

Suga blinked away his angry tears and glared at them. “This isn’t any of your business-”

Hinata squeezed his hand tightly, Asahi did the same, and Suga lost his words.

_ Girl, I can tell you been crying and you needing somebody to talk to. _

_ Girl, I can tell he’s been lying and pretending that he’d faithful and he loves you _

_ Girl, you don’t have to be hiding don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you _

_ I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we’re your girls. Don’t you know that we love you? _

Suga felt all of his familiar defenses of Narita bubbling up inside of him. Try as he might, he still did love the man. “It’s not what you guys think- we’ve just been fighting a little more than usual. He’s been working a lot and it’s been stressful on him. I’m not working anymore so money has been a bit tighter than before. I’ve also been home a lot and not doing as much as I could-” He had been repeating the same mantra over and over again, so much so that it felt like a natural truth to tell. It felt like a natural truth to tell his job he was quitting so they could start a family. Suga brought up the idea to Narita and ended up falling asleep crying that night after Narita said something about how disgusting the idea of starting a family with Suga was that he felt it in his soul. He knew that they were doing more than fighting.

He realized it as he sat there trying to pull any excuse out of thin air that he could. Narita hadn’t been working more, he always worked a lot. He was always gone and he always came home with an excuse about a meeting or extra paperwork or something. He knew it wasn’t just stress that Narita was experiencing, he was in a constant state of stress. Suga wasn’t working by choice, Narita insisted that he quit his job, going so far as to call in sick for him when Suga wasn’t aware. Suga would show up for work and the other faculty would be confused as they were told he had the flu. He faked being so sick that he was a bit delirious and Narita chastised him for the rest of that day. Suga quit the next morning.

_ See, what y’all don’t know about him is that I can’t let him go because he needs me _

_ It ain’t really him it’s stress from the job, and I ain’t making it easy _

_ I know you see him bugging most of the time, but I know he be tired, he don’t mean it _

_ It gets hard sometimes, but I need my man. I don’t think y’all understand, I’m telling you- _

“Anything else?” Asahi’s sharp tone shocked Suga. Asahi was a rare creature, rarely disturbed, and always easily calmed. It took so much to make him angry and when Suga looked at him, Asahi was absolutely livid. 

“What?” Suga choked the word out. 

Shoyou shot Asahi a dark look and placed his second hand over Suga’s. “We just want you to know that we are here for you. We want to help. We’ve all noticed that something has been off, something has been different. We just want you to know we are here. If you need us.” Shoyou’s smile was the sunshine that Suga had desperately needed.

_ Girl, I can tell you been crying and you needing somebody to talk to. _

_ Girl, I can tell he’s been lying and pretending that he’d faithful and he loves you _

_ Girl, you don’t have to be hiding don’t you be ashamed to say he hurt you _

_ I’m your girl, you’re my girl, we’re your girls. Don’t you know that we love you? _

“I-I-I-” Suga stuttered the words out as his tears started to fall freely.

“Do you have your phone on you?” Asahi reached towards Suga’s messenger bag.

Suga shoved the bag towards his taller friend and shook his head. “No. He- Narita-he said-” Suga couldn’t even say the words as he started feeling the shame of the last year of his life.

“He said you couldn’t have on?” Asahi’s words dripped with venom and hit Suga straight in the chest as he realized that his friends knew what was going on better than he did.

Suga simply nodded and wiped his face.

Shoyou drew in a sharp breath and pulled his own phone out. “I’m going to call someone. He’s a friend of Tobio’s and Daichi’s and he can help you-”

“Who?” Suga asked but Shoyou was already talking in a hushed tone. Suga turned towards Asahi and frowned deeply. “You guys- you didn’t come for me. Nobody came. Nobody came to check on me. Narita said you just accepted his diagnosis-”

“Let me stop you right there.” Asahi held a hand up and gripped Suga’s wrist gently with his other hand. “We  _ all  _ came to see you. Every single one of us. Daichi went. I went. Noya went. Tobio went. Shoyou went. Yamaguchi went. Kuroo and Kenma went. Even Tsukishima went. We were all shut down, not a single one of us made it past the door.” Asahi’s eyes widened. “You didn’t- you didn’t know that?” Suga shook his head and sucked in a breath. “You didn’t get any of our gifts? Our cards? Our letters?”

“I didn’t get anything.” Suga’s voice was barely there, the realization of his relationship crushing him mentally.

“Suga-” Asahi squeezed his wrist a little harder, trying to get some reaction from his gray-haired friend. “Koushi- don’t do this to yourself. None of this is your fault.”

Suga looked up, sniffling and shoulders heaving. 

“Okay- great! Thank you so much, we will go outside now!” Shoyou fished bills out of his wallet and waved down the waitress. “I’m so sorry miss, but we do have to go- I’m so sorry!” He added extra for a tip and stood. “He’s going to be outside in a couple of minutes, we can go wait.”

“Who is going to be outside?” 

Suga’s two friends ignored his question in favor of discussing Suga’s next steps. They seemed to already have a plan in place.

_ Girl, take a good look at yourself, he got you going through hell _

_ We ain’t never seen you down like this. _

_ What you mean you don’t need us to help? _

_ We known each other too well. _

He let them drag him outside and was surprised at the face that was waiting for them only minutes later.

The tall brown-haired man’s eyes lit up at the sight of the ashen-haired man. “Sugawara. It’s nice to see you again.”

“Oikawa, wow, it’s been so long. How long has it been? It’s nice to see you as well.” Suga leaned in for a hug and memories of a crush he had since high school flooded back to him as Oikawa embraced him.

Oikawa hugged him tight, closing his eyes and inhaling his scent. “Koushi.”

When Oikawa first got the call from Daichi, he was immediately worried. Daichi tried going the friend route to getting in touch with Suga, but that didn’t work. He tried the cop route shortly after but without a complaining party, he really didn’t have much to go on evidence wise. Nobody had seen Suga in months other than at the grocery store or on Narita’s social media. Oikawa friended Narita just to see Sugawara. Oikawa couldn’t help but notice how much more rundown his old friend looked in each new update. There was something happening between the two of them and his suspicions were only confirmed when Shoyou texted him about a bruise he noticed as soon as Suga sat down. It was in the shape of a handprint and it was fresh. He didn’t even want to know how many more littered his body.

He pulled away from Suga and smiled down at him. He appreciated when Suga returned the smile as best as he could.

“It’s nice to see you Oikawa.” 

Oikawa laughed softly, not bothering to tell him he already said that. “You too, Sugawara.”

“Did you already talk to Daichi?” Shoyou interrupted with a small smile.

“I did. As long as Sugawara is ready to move ahead with this, then I have it from here. A coworker of mine is going to be taking over, but he is someone I trust.” Oikawa answered.

“I thought you were taking point.” Shoyou frowned.

“I was going to but it’s a bit of a conflict of interest since we are friends. Don’t worry, Kindaichi is one of the best detectives I know.” Oikawa looked back toward Suga. “I’m going to get you out of there and you will never see him again. Whether or not you want to press charges is up to you.”

Suga felt his chin start to shake. “I don’t have anywhere to go-”

“Look around you, Sugawara, you have so many friends.” Oikawa motioned toward the other two men. “I would prefer if you stayed with me, however. That way I can keep an eye on you.”

“Stay...with you?” Suga looked up at Oikawa’s soft features and thought about how much he had changed since high school. He was a different man but somehow still the one Suga carried an unrequited love for. Narita probably never would have started dating him in the first place if he knew how deep his affections toward Oikawa went. 

Oikawa simply smiled back at him and Suga felt safer than he had in years. He nodded and Oikawa smiled wider. “Good. How do you want to go about gathering your things? I can have someone go for you, I can accompany you-”

Suga flinched. “Please, I can’t go back there again. I can’t go back into that house again.”

Oikawa settled his hand on Suga’s shoulder. “You don’t have to. I will send someone.”

Suga let out a long breath that he didn’t realize he was holding and started sobbing. Shoyo was the first to hug him, his smaller arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Asahi joined him. Oikawa took his hand.

_ Don’t you know that we love you? _


	7. Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BokuAka story about Akaashi developing a drug addiction. This is mostly a short post-rehab story that recounts a pretty detailed drug incident with Akaashi.

_I got no excuses for all of these goodbyes_

_Call me when it’s over, ‘cause I’m dying inside_

Akaashi sat across from a broken man. A shattered man. An empty husk of a man. His hair was flat, his eyes were dull, his mouth was curved into a permanent downward spiral, similar to the rest of his life. He blinked slowly and the man in front of him mimicked his actions. That made Akaashi scoff and turn his head to the side. Again, the man in front of him matched his movements. 

“Kaashi?”

Akaashi turned his head in the opposite direction toward the gentle voice that was trying to get his attention. In his head, he responded. In his head, he smiled gratefully at the man that he tried so hard to love. In his head, he opened his arms and felt the fading but familiar pressure of that man’s body squeezing next to his. In reality, Akaashi stared back blankly then turned back toward the man in front of him.

“Kaashi, what are you doing?” 

The seat next to Akaashi dipped as he sat down and sunk into the worn leather sofa.

“Kaashi…”

_Wake me when the shakes are gone and the cold sweats disappear_

_Call me when it’s over and myself has reappeared_

He felt a hand on his face, a thumb pressing against his cheek, and fingers pressuring his jaw to turn towards him.

“Kaashi, it’s me.” He smiled and the warmth that Akaashi had grown accustomed to was trying so hard to be there for him. That calming warmth that had the energy of rechargeable batteries at their fullest potential, it still felt cold beside him. “It’s me, Bokuto. It’s me-” His confidence gave way to a crack in his exterior as his voice cracked. His hand fell from Akaashi’s face and Akaashi couldn’t decide if he missed it or not. He wanted to miss it. That was good, right?

Akaashi shifted slightly after Bokuto got up, he turned his eyes back to the emotionless man in front of him and they shared a glare. He could hear Bokuto speaking with a doctor behind him but he didn’t care enough to listen to what they had to say. They were talking about him, they were always talking about him.

He looked down at his bandaged wrists and became further annoyed when the man across from him did the same with his own matching wounds. Akaashi started removing the bandages from his arms. He unwrapped them slowly and ignored the protests of those behind him. He moved faster, ripping apart the gauze. He wasn’t surprised by what he found.

He was fine. There wasn’t anything wrong with his arms or his wrists or even his hands where his right bandage extended to. He had scars but nothing fresh. No blood. No stitches. No disgusting healing wounds that were self-inflicted.

No, that wasn’t where the damage was.

_I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why._

_I do it every, every, every time. It’s only when I’m lonely_

Akaashi thought back to a few years ago when things were better and different. Things were...normal. Normal was a relative word, a subjective word, it wasn’t the right word but it was the only word he could think of. Lately, it was all he could think about. What was normal? Was he normal? Was Bokuto normal? Was the unoccupied shell sitting across from him normal? He made a mental note to look up the definition of normal, the actual textbook definition held in that year's edition of Webster’s. Anyway...he was getting distracted.

4 years ago was when he had his first incident. He had what felt like early rheumatoid arthritis in his wrists. Bokuto jumped to that conclusion after doing a quick Google search regarding where Akaashi's pain was. His original doctor blamed it on his history of volleyball and initially diagnosed him with osteoarthritis. He was a setter, all that hand flicking and wrist moving was bound to do some damage eventually. Then, he became a writer. He was an editor to be specific. He originally wanted to be in the literature department as a writer, but his phenomenal eye for detail rocketed him to the top of the list as the first choice for a popular shonen manga magazine from one of the biggest publishers in the country. He became an editor and he was very good at it.

He was trying to fall asleep one night after a long session editing and an equally long sex session with Bokuto and the pain in his hands was becoming unbearable. He remembered going into the bathroom and trying to turn the faucet on to splash water on his face but he couldn’t grip anything with his hands. He might have cried, he couldn’t remember, he blocked most of those days that were filled with pain from his head. He saw three different doctors after looking for a second opinion that all said the same thing, rheumatoid arthritis. His history with volleyball and editing was just a happy coincidence. It was uncommon for him to be diagnosed so young, but the articles that doctors ended up writing about him and his hands did nothing for his pain.

_Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don’t wanna fight_

_I try and I try and I try and I try and I try_

_Just hold me, I’m lonely_

He started with some kind of topical cream. Bokuto liked to apply it to his hands whenever he needed it. He took his time massaging the cream in and Akaashi didn’t have the heart to tell him it did nothing. Not at first, anyway.

He went to the typical NSAID’s next: nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs that were sold over the counter. Those didn’t do a goddamned thing. He recalled a specific incident when he screamed at Bokuto for picking up pills that were 500mg per dose instead of 1000mg per dose. Bokuto didn’t respond, having started to become used to Akaashi’s outbursts and eye flooding apologies after. Akaashi was in pain and Bokuto knew that. He just wanted to help. They tried a combination of topical creams, acupuncture, anti-inflammatories, and even meditation for 2 years before Akaashi had enough of it.

His doctor put him on antidepressants, though Akaashi fought vehemently against that. He insisted he wasn’t depressed even though he fit 12 different symptoms. Bokuto saw it but he didn’t have it inside him to point anything out to Akaashi. The littlest things set him off.

They tried steroids next, injecting them between his knuckles. Akaashi didn’t like needles so that treatment didn’t last long. He had a choice between continuing to try what they had been doing with the creams and the antidepressants and the basic ass pills you could buy on any grocery store counter or narcotics. He chose the latter. It was fine at first, his prescription was light and it was working until it wasn’t anymore. The prescription-strength was increased. Then it increased again. Then again. It kept getting increased until Bokuto had to report Akaashi’s doctor to the medical board for abusing his license. Bokuto found out Akaashi was paying for more pills on the side as well as going through his regular prescriptions like they were fucking candy.

_Mama, I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore._

_Daddy please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor_

After the doctor disappeared, Akaashi was alright for a while. At least Bokuto thought he was. It wasn’t until he found Akaashi face down in a pile of his own vomit that he realized nothing was what it seemed. Akaashi had a problem, he had a big problem. He went to rehab for 6 months and Bokuto was there to greet him when he finished the program. Bokuto hugged him as tight as he could, as tight as the night he thought he lost him. Months passed and Bokuto realized that Akaashi wasn’t Akaashi anymore. He was always reserved before but when he was with just Bokuto, he at least smiled. He laughed at his jokes, his laugh was the single most incredible sound in the world and it was something Bokuto lived for. He was counting the days until he heard Akaashi’s laugh again. He didn’t hear it again.

_To the ones who never left me, we’ve been down this road before_

_I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore._

The next time Bokuto found Akaashi, the raven-haired man wasn’t breathing.

His lips were blue and Bokuto couldn’t feel his pulse. Bokuto pressed his ear against his boyfriend’s chest and held himself together as best as he could. After finding Akaashi the first time, Bokuto started taking classes and researching. He became certified in CPR, just in case. He researched how to make someone vomit, just in case. He went to Narcotics Anonymous meetings to hear other people’s stories, just in case. 

_I’m sorry to my future love, for the man who left my bed_

_For making love the way I saved for you inside my head_

Bokuto checked his responsiveness first. He rubbed his knuckles hard over Akaashi’s chest bone with one hand as he dialed 911 with his other. He slipped slightly on the small pile of vomit next to Akaashi’s head as he knelt down next to him. He recited the name of the pills on the bottle and recited his address. He set the phone down and put it on speaker. He tilted Akaashi’s head, lifted his chin, pinched his nose, and started breathing for him. Two quick breaths into his mouth then one long breath. Repeat that every five seconds. That’s what he learned. He was going to breathe for Akaashi and he was going to bring him back. He needed to bring him back. Two quick breaths, one long breath.

_And I’m sorry for the fans I love, who watched me fall again_

_I wanna be a role model, but I’m only human_

“Sir, do you have any Narcan?”

_I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know why_

“Yes, I’m getting it-” Bokuto was already reaching into the small black bag he kept under the sink, just in case. He snatched the yellow cap off of the plastic delivery device and removed the red cap off of the cartridge. He screwed the naloxone cartridge into the barrel of the syringe. 

_I do it every, every, every time. It’s only when I’m lonely_

“Sir, don’t forget to-”

_Sometimes I just wanna cave and I don’t wanna fight_

“-tilt his head. I know. I’ve practiced. I’ve practiced so much.” Bokuto was whispering as he concentrated on spraying the Narcan into each of his nostrils. “Come on, Kaashi.” Bokuto leaned over and continued breathing for him, counting the seconds as they passed. “Please...Keiji.”

_I try and I try and I try and I try and I try_

_Just hold me, I’m lonely_

Akaashi sputtered awake minutes later.

_Mama, I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore._

_Daddy please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor_

“Akaashi!” Bokuto exclaimed as he gripped Akaashi’s shoulders. He stared down at the withering man below him as the EMT’s burst through their bathroom door. 

__

Akaashi blinked himself back to reality. He scowled at the man in front of him again and received a twin scowl in return. They were equally annoyed at everything around them. Akaashi turned slightly and saw Bokuto still talking to the doctor. He was crying.

_To the ones who never left me, we’ve been down this road before_

_I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore._

He felt the seat dip beside him again and Akaashi turned his head towards Bokuto. 

“Keiji-”

“Bokuto.” The simple utterance of his name brought back the smiling gray-haired man Akaashi had fallen in love with. The warmth in his eyes spread throughout his body and radiated toward Akaashi. 

“Akaashi! You- Akaashi, you recognize me?” Bokuto took one of Akaashi’s hand in his. Akaashi stared down at the intrusion into his space and accepted it gratefully.

Akaashi looked up at Bokuto and tried to smile. He failed but what mattered is that he tried. “Koutarou-” Akaashi looked up at Bokuto again.

“Say that again,” Bokuto whispered as he let his tears fall freely.

“Koutarou- what’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Akaashi reached up and stroked Bokuto’s cold cheek. “Don’t cry, please.” 

“I’m okay- I promise I’m okay. We will be okay. Stop staring into that mirror and come back to the room with me.”

Akaashi turned toward the man sitting across from him. The man mimicking his glare and his scowl. The man mimicked his every movement and blink. He tilted his head slightly, the man did as well. “Mirror.” He whispered to himself. Akaashi sat on the edge of the couch and leaned toward the man. He reached out to touch him and was met with the cold smoothness of glass. More importantly, the cold smoothness of a mirror. Akaashi gasped softly, something breaking inside of him. Bokuto took his hand and held him together.

_I’m sorry that I’m here again, I promise I’ll get help._

_It wasn’t my intention, I’m sorry to myself._


End file.
